In an effort to make games as inconvenient as possible to attend, and reduce TV ratings to historical lows not seen since the introduction of television in the late 1940s, the CFL has announced its new “Radical Football Schedule!”.

Taking a page out of the successful “Radically Canadian” marketing campaign of the late 1990s, which touted “bigger balls” and other completely non-sexual double entendres, the “RFS!” will feature surprise pop-up games in the middle of the week, as well as a new weekly feature game called “Monday Morning Football”, with games scheduled to begin at 8 o’clock on Monday morning.

“In keeping with our desire to distinguish our Canadian game, we want to see how badly we can alienate our fan base and how close we can teeter on the edge of bankruptcy by doing things that no sane organization would ever try,” said CFL commissioner Randy Ambrosie.  “We think an unpredictable and awkward schedule, with games scheduled at times no one would ever expect, should fit the bill on both accounts quite nicely. We are currently tossing around other ideas like games at 3 o’clock in the morning with no lights and playing games underwater.”

The first RFS! game is apparently being played today in Ottawa, when the surging Hamilton Tiger-Cats will face off against the hapless Ottawa REDBLACKS! at TD Place. Attendance is expected to be in the low dozens and a fleet of ambulances have been reserved for the expected wave of player injuries.

Hamilton Tiger-Cats head coach Orlondo Steinauer appeared to be caught off-guard when asked about tonight’s game.

“Wait, what?”

The only other currently scheduled RFS! game is the Elks/Argos’ Tuesday, November 16 tilt.  Although the game is supposed to start at 5:30 and be played at BMO Field in Toronto, several sources close to the CFL have indicated the game will be moved to noon and be played on runway 7 at Pearson International Airport.