Following the CFL command centre getting two calls 100% correct in yesterday’s Riders/Argos tilt at BMO Field in Toronto, resulting in two Argo touchdowns being properly nullified, an enraged Argonauts’ head coach Ryan Dinwiddie wondered aloud why bad calls are overturned by the CFL’s command centre.
“I don’t know why we have a command centre,” said a livid Dinwiddie during a hastily assembled press conference in the public bathroom of BMO Field. “All they ever try to do is make us play by the rules. How fair is that? Sure, Ka’Deen [Carey] didn’t actually get into the endzone, but that shouldn’t be a reason for the command centre to disallow a touchdown. The refs should not be the ones deciding games! The players should be the ones deciding games! And if Ka’Deem decided he actually did make it into the endzone, that should be good enough. In fact, I don’t care where you are on the field, if a player decides he is in the endzone, the refs have a duty to call a touchdown! Otherwise, it’s chaos!”
“And that goes double for dropped passes in the endzone,” said a visibly vibrating Dinwiddie. “When [Damonte] Coxie dropped that pass in the endzone, we should have been awarded two touchdowns! One for dropping the pass in the endzone, and another one for picking it up again. Who came up with this dumb one touchdown rule, anyway? Probably some nerd in some basement somewhere writing a pathetic football blog that no one reads. And who calls them blogs anymore?!”
Mr. Dinwiddie also complained that the command centre reviews are slowing down games. When it was pointed out that if he was so concerned about slowing down the game, he didn’t need to throw a challenge flag on an alleged Deontai Williams pass interference non-call, Mr. Dinwiddie’s head exploded.
“Don’t you understand?!” cried Mr. Dinwiddie. “I’m only talking about calls I don’t like! Obviously, none of this applies when I like what the refs or the command centre are doing. I’m not stupid!”
Mr. Dinwiddie then embarked upon on a disjointed twenty-minute screaming tirade about interest rates, inflation, taxes, Trudeau, the weather, two-ply toilet paper, the kids playing on his front lawn, the cost of a good steak these days, the amount of time his wife spends shopping online and something about “the god-damned” zipper getting stuck on his pants, after which he collapsed in an exhausted sweaty heap and had to be carted away by members of his offensive line.
Following Mr. Dinwiddie’s departure, everyone in the shaken press gallery agreed they were glad the Toronto Argonauts actually won the game.
Editor’s Note: The two calls the CFL command centre got right during the August 22, 2024, Toronto Argonauts-Saskatchewan Roughriders game represents a new record for the commend centre getting calls right in one game, beating the old record by two.