Citing a rash of games involving 57 minutes of boredom punctuated at the end with 3 minutes of absurd happenstances and heart-stopping excitement, the CFL has announced it is shortening all future games to three minutes.
Teams will be assigned random scores at the commencement of the three minute games. For instance, some 3-minute games will start with scores of 30-10 to see if a team can do something that will make FanDuel oddsmakers want to hang themselves. Other games will be assigned tied scores or one-point differences to see what kind of ridiculous once-in-a-lifetime plays will swing the game to an insane outcome that TSN’s Dustin Nielson can completely lose his shit over.
“Fans have been telling me that if Dustin doesn’t sound like he’s having a heart attack at least twice every game, they are going to stop watching,” said TSN colourman and former-pornstache aficionado Glen Suitor, who went on to say that he didn’t know what the hell was the matter with “that kid” but he sure liked it. [Editor’s note: We all do.]
Another new feature will involve the CFL assigning teams with players who have never played a game in the CFL and have no idea how anything works in Canada. Similar to the CFL’s “Global” initiative, these players will be assigned to teams via a random draw moments before the game commences to ensure these players have no time to practice with their new teammates or learn any Canadian football rules. Like the Canadian player ratio, all teams will be required to insert at least two of these “Designated Idiots” into the starting lineup.
“We think these shortened games with incompetent players will appeal to a younger generation of football fans who have tiny attention spans and no interest in anything that makes sense,” said CFL commissioner and weird uncle who only shows up for Christmas dinner Randy Ambrosie. “I am told this will enable some fans to scroll through an entire season in less than ten minutes on TikTok.”
Ambrosie added that he has no idea what TikTok is. [Editor’s note: Neither do we.]
League officials expressed some concern that short games will reduce the opportunity for freak season-ending injuries to star players. As a result, prior to each game, teams will need to submit a list of five absolutely crucial players from their starting lineups, and two of those players will be automatically placed on the 6-game injured list by random draw. These players will thereafter be ineligible to play in the CFL for anywhere from one game to the rest of their lives, depending upon a host of secret, bizarre and inexplicable factors to be chosen by the CFL Command Centre. This ineligibility determination is intended to replicate the injuries taking place throughout the league this season, without the pain and suffering that typically goes along with real injuries.
“The only painful thing about the CFL should be listening to me explain why I am trying to grow the game in Mexico and Australia instead of Canada,” said Mr. Ambrosie, who then started talking about next year’s so-called Global Draft. “There are a couple of really interesting Croatian ping pong players that I think would be nice fits for the Edmonton or Hamilton organizations.”