Following the Saskatchewan Roughriders’ 23-17 loss to the Calgary Stampeders last Saturday, Roughriders’ quarterback Cody Fajardo issued a polite, thoughtful and expletive-free rant about what he sees as the central weakness in the Roughriders’ offense:  lack of a deep ball.

Mr. Fajardo accepted his fair share of the blame, threw no one under the bus, only mentioned other teammates by name when complimenting them, praised everyone for their hard work and desire to get better, thanked the Roughriders organization for placing their trust in him, apologized for letting the entire province down, and closed by promising to try harder next time.

It is speculated that the perpetually cheery and good-natured Mr. Fajardo thought he was giving everyone a real tongue-lashing, which prompted some concern from team officials.

The Roughriders’ medical staff* issued a statement advising that Mr. Fajardo’s respectful and well-enunciated outburst was the result of eating too much ice cream after the game and staying up past 9 o’clock the night before watching Rick and Morty on Adult Swim.

“Rick always give Cody nightmares,” said Roughriders’ equipment manager Gordon Gilroy. “It just overwhelms Cody.”

“We’re going to keep Cody on a strict television diet of Dora the Explorer,” said team psychologist Dr. Sigmund Freud (no relation), “with a little SpongeBob SquarePants if he promises to watch all his game film.”

When asked to comment about the game-ending interception by Stampeders’ cornerback Jonathan Moxey, Mr. Fajardo exclaimed, “Swiper no swiping!”

As the news conference was ending, it was announced that the Roughriders had just signed free agent receiver D’haquille ‘Duke’ Williams.

“Hola! Muy bien!” said a suddenly animated Mr. Fajardo, spilling his juice all over himself.

Mr. Fajardo was immediately hustled away by several members of the Roughriders’ offensive line.

 “Uh-oh, he’s gettin’ cranky!” said centre Dan Clark.

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*The Saskatchewan Roughriders’ medical staff allegedly consists of Drs. Nicholls, Heroux and Dufour, but the photos of the three men on the team website appear to be that of the same man, but at different stages of his life (post-graduate, middle aged and nearing retirement). Discombobulated speculates the team only has one doctor.