ROUGHRIDERS NAME DAVE DICKENSON NEW HEAD COACH

In a move that has surprisingly not generated as much notice or controversy around the Canadian Football League as this writer would have expected, the Saskatchewan Roughriders have managed to steal a second consecutive Grey Cup winning coach from Alberta, this time securing the services of former Calgary Stampeders’ head coach Dave Dickenson from the hapless Calgary Stampeders. 

Mr. Dickenson will become new head coach of the Saskatchewan Roughriders, replacing Chris Jones who abruptly left the team a few weeks ago to take up an imaginary position with the NHL’s Cleveland Indians of the now-defunct American Basketball Association.

Frankly, this writer expected the Roughriders would have elevated current Roughriders’ Special Teams Co-ordinator Craig Dickenson, brother of Dave Dickenson, into the head coach position, but the unexpected hiring is consistent with the typically aggressive and borderline psychotic attitude of Saskatchewan Roughriders President and CEO Craig Reynolds.

The move has led to widespread speculation that Bo Levi Mitchell, the Calgary Stampeders’ two-time Grey Cup winning quarterback, will solve the Roughriders’ quarterback difficulties by following his head coach to the Green and White.

“That’s a total lie, all of it,” claimed an obviously emotional and overwhelmed Mr. Mitchell.

In related news, the Saskatchewan Roughriders also announced that they were leaving the Canadian Football League to join the fledgling American Alliance of Football (AAF) which begins play in three weeks.

“That league doesn’t have any rinky-dinky salary cap on its coaching staff,” said Saskatchewan Roughriders President and CEO Craig Reynolds.

Given that the AAF season will be played during the coldest months of the winter when Mosaic Stadium is frozen into a solid block of ice, Roughriders home games will be played indoors in the foyer of the Chuck E. Cheese on University Park Drive.

“It’ll be a little tight,” said Mr. Reynolds, “but that place is a zoo even at the best of times.  And it’s all we could come up with on this short notice.”

Gainer the Gopher indicated he was not at all pleased and called Mr. Cheese a “two-faced hack.”

TSN football insider and seven-time World Ping Pong champion Dave Naylor called the Roughriders’ move to the new football league “bewildering”.  Regina Leader-Post Sports Co-ordinator and renowned hot dog eating contest judge Rob Vanstone also called the move bewildering.  CFL.CA columnist and certified meat inspector Jamie Nye indicated he didn’t know how to describe the development and asked what Naylor and Vanstone had said, after which he reluctantly agreed that it was “bewildering” and then began to angrily berate himself.

“Of course!” said a suddenly enraged Nye.  “Bewildering!  Why didn’t I think of that!  Naylor and Vanstone are always one step ahead of me!  But they’ll pay.  Oh yes, they’ll pay all right. Dearly.”

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.