The Saskatchewan Roughriders have announced that team mascot and newly christened children’s nightmare Gainer the Gopher has been cast in the sequel to the smash Steven King movie, It, entitled It Chapter Two: The Horror of Gainer. Mr. King indicated that the sequel needed to have a more terrifying character than Pennywise the Clown, and when the Saskatchewan Roughriders offered to convert their beloved warm and fuzzy mascot into a demented monster, he jumped at the offer.
In order to carry out this promise, Roughriders’ management sent Gainer to the same plastic surgeon who worked on Kenny Rogers, Donatella Versace, Jocelyn Wildenstein (google her) and Carrot Top. Gainer was then given round-the-clock injections of horse urine, artificial growth hormones and some kind of fish paralyser to give him the jacked-up appearance of a steroid-abusing motorcycle gang enforcer.
“Aside from Gainer’s occasional unpredictable explosions of irrational rage, we couldn’t be more pleased,” said Roughriders’ President and Chief Executive Officer Craig Reynolds while nervously glancing at Gainer and gently comforting his sobbing and terrified children. “We were going for a [Philadelphia Flyers mascot] Gritty look, only more menacing, insane and inexplicable.”
Miriam Johnson, the Director of Marketing for the Roughriders, conceded it will take a while for fans to grow accustomed to Gainer’s demonic grin and crazed glare, but assured the assembled twitchy local press that this transition should only take a few decades, or just in time for the team’s next Grey Cup appearance.
“Once the initial shock wears off and the night terrors subside, we expect Rider Nation to embrace the new Gainer,” said Ms. Johnson, who pointedly maintained a healthy distance from Gainer at all times. However, she added that, for the time being, fans should avoid any “sudden moves” or “loud abrupt noises” around Gainer until local animal control officials had finished their risk assessment investigation. Until then, Gainer would be accompanied by a team of Provincial Fish and Wildlife Officers armed with bear spray, electric cattle prods and shotguns.
Privately, one Roughriders’ team official, requesting anonymity, explained that the new-look Gainer the Gopher was designed to give the Roughriders an added home field advantage by distracting visiting teams with obscene gestures and psychotic threats.
“We are going to outfit him with a machete and have him wasted on whiskey by the second quarter,” said the official. “Try concentrating on the game when you have that thing stumbling around your bench swearing at you and stealing equipment.”
Okay, now that that unpleasantness is behind us, let’s talk predictions for week four in the CFL.
HAMILTON TIGER- CATS at MONTREAL ALOUETTES
Hamilton. What’s the matter with you? Of course, Hamilton. Don’t waste my time.
The question is not whether the Alouettes will win this season, but whether they will survive this season. One year from now, I see them in Moncton.
WINNIPEG BLUE BOMBERS at OTTAWA REDBLACKS!
Bombers. Sure, whatever. I mean, by rights, the Bombers. But what is the deal with these REDBLACKS!? I’m starting to think Marcel Desjardins and Rick Campbell know what they’re doing.
BRITISH COLUMBIA LIONS at TORONTO ARGONAUTS
I’m going with the Argonauts due to the unbeatable home field advantage their rabid and noisy fans give them in sold-out BMO Field every game, year after year.
Actually, any time I’ve actually met an Argonaut fan, he or she is as passionate, hard-core and knowledgeable as any CFL fan in the country. The problem is that as soon as they reveal themselves, they are immediately placed into the Federal Witness Protection Program.
The Toronto Argonauts are so bad this year, the CFL has stripped the Argos of the 2017 Grey Cup and awarded it to the Jamaican bobsled team. But!
That still doesn’t mean the British Columbia Lions will beat the Toronto Argonauts this week. You see, the Six Horsemen of the Apocalypse at CFL.CA have unanimously decreed a British Columbia Lions victory. Last week I explained (again) that any unanimous pick from all six of the Horsemen at CFL.CA was the kiss of death for any team. Hence, despite the Argo’s Toronto-Blue-Jays-level of incompetence, the Lions will lose and the Toronto Argonauts will pick up their first win of the 2019 season. You heard it here first (unless I’m wrong, in which case you did not hear it at all).
Now, I know what you’re going to say. Last week, we here at Discombobulated predicted the Calgary Stampeders and the Saskatchewan Roughriders would both lose due to the Six Horsemen of the Apocalypse unanimously picking them to win their games. And then those two team went on to indeed win their games as unanimously predicted. Well, that was just the exception that proved the rule. This week, the rule will be in full force. You’re welcome, Toronto Argonauts.
Also… I continue to maintain that the BC Lions paid too much for 9-9 quarterback Mike Reilly, thus sucking back so much of the salary cap that the rest of the team suffers. It’s plain dangerous for Mr. Reilly to be on the same field as Shawn Lemon and Cleyon “Clubber” Laing (and throw in Tobi Antigha).
CALGARY STAMPEDERS at SASKATCHEWAN ROUGHRIDERS
Here’s why the Roughriders are gonna lose: Nick “Fatty” Arbuckle. There is not enough film on Mr. Arbuckle for the Roughriders’ defense to come up with a proper game plan. Unfortunately, the Stampeders do have enough game film of Saskatchewan quarterback Cody Fajardo to effectively make his life miserable for most of the game. I can see the Roughriders making a game of it if Mr. Fajardo has a big night running, since he has yet to show his stuff in that regard, and that’s a facet of his game that the Stampeders might not adequately prepare for.
I realize the above is mostly just the irrational post-traumatic stress disorder pessimism of a long-term member of Rider Nation, and I would be delighted to be wrong. The Roughriders should probably beat the depleted Calgary Stampeders. The Stampeders’ defense is not good and their offense will more likely operate the same way it operated for all but the final two minutes of their game last week. Nevertheless, I’ll say it again: you’ll never go broke betting against the Roughriders.
And now I want to get back to this whole Gainer the Gopher thing. Behold: