On the eve of one of the biggest drunks in Canada this side of the Brier, Crown Royal has completely fumbled the ball and has allowed their Crown Royal Northern Harvest to sell out across Western Canada, including–for God’s sake!—Winnipeg, Manitoba. This has got to be one of the biggest planning and logistics blunders since the 2003 US invasion of Iraq. Why bother even owning a distillery if you are going to run out of your best stuff right when you need it the most?
I received a panicky text from my friend Jay, who is already in Winnipeg, telling me that the city had run dry of the Crown Royal Northern Harvest. My instructions were to get some in Calgary before I fly out this fine Thursday morning. I am told by the nice lady who runs the liquor store at the YYC airport, where I had pinned my last hope of snagging some Crown Royal Northern Harvest, that this particular brand, which was given a number one rating by some fucking guy who I have never heard of before, has a 5% higher alcohol content, which is reason alone to want to consume the stuff, quite aside from the worthless rating from this fucking nobody who will now be discarded into the dustbin of history.
Anyway, this is a date that shall live in infamy. It’s Armageddon, only a million times worse.
I blame CFL Commissioner and perpetual ball-dropper Jeffrey Orridge who has, like US President Barak Obama, tried to pin the blame for this catastrophe on his predecessor in office, Mark Cohon. However, let’s face it, while it was Commissioner Cohon who signed the CFL Status of Liquor Agreement, Commissioner Orridge should have adapted to the subsequent circumstances and entered into negotiations with Crown Royal to avoid this entirely foreseeable humanitarian crisis.
This is just a terrible way to start off the festivities. Now I’m going to have to get drunk on regular Crown Royal. Or whatever is in the hotel room minibar. I’m not picky.