WINNIPEG BLUE BOMBERS at SASKATCHEWAN ROUGHRIDERS RECAP!

Has anyone else noticed that 90% of the players in the opening TSN montage are injured?

We commence the telecast with the jarring image of Milt Stegall looking like a 1950s ice cream salesman. A very stern and serious ice cream salesman.  No, ma’am, we don’t have maple walnut, read the sign.

15 Wing Moose Jaw?  It has F-18s?  Today it does.  That’s the one clear and unarguable advantage that open-air stadiums have over domed stadiums:  fly-overs.

The Bombers won the toss at windy Mosaic Stadium, so if they don’t win, they should fire their head coach.

Plenty of garbage blowing around in Regina.  Classy.  It looks like Burger Baron wrappers and Houston Pizza boxes.  Well, that’s okay, then.

I think Brett Smith actually audibled that fumble.  The Roughriders are trying to win this game using reverse psychology.  That’s so crazy it just might work!

(Fun Fact:  Don Matthews tried using irony during the 1992 Roughrider season, producing a middling 9-9 regular season record and the infamous Ridgway “oops, I fell down” loss at the Western Semi-Final against the Edmonton Eskimos.  Irony can be pretty ironic sometimes.)

Paul McCallum is sporting a Glen Suitor moustache.  Whatever works.

What’s the first thing that comes to mind with Tim Hortons’ dark roast? Lawsuit.  Pitch-black room plus searing-hot coffee?   Timmies is practically begging for it.  I can already see the tearful plaintiff on the stand. “I couldn’t see anything and… and… and then suddenly there was this searing burning all over my body… and….”  “Do you want a moment to compose yourself?” Plaintiff rests.

How do we make a great suit?

We start with the finest Italian fabrics, designed with a canvass chest piece that molds perfectly to your body.  And my signature soft shoulder for a more modern fit. Then it’s built by expert craftsmen right here in Canada.  And then we fuck it all up by selling it through Moore’s, for chrissakes. How dumb are we?

Because every man deserves to own a great suit. (Except Hitler.)

Back to the game.

Finally! An offensive Roughrider touchdown that is not called back.  Third time’s a charm.  Smith has a great arm.  Accurate.  Strong.  All his touchdowns are pretty spectacular.  He looks like a young Kent Austin with good mobility thrown in.  He should be good and concussed by the end of the game.  Or a dislocated shoulder.  Something.

Rob Bagg looks like a Top Gun-era Val Kilmer.

Those new Metallica Under Armour commercials stop everyone in the room, every time they play.

Saskatchewan Roughrider defensive lineman Andre Munroe will be a fan favourite, even without the quarterback sasks.  That belly is world class, the likes of which has not been seen in Mosaic since the immortal Milson Jones roamed the hallowed grounds of Taylor Field.

The Saskatchewan Roughriders looked like a professional football team on that fourth quarter touchdown drive.  There’s a sentence that has not been written this season. And the Saskatchewan Roughriders won.  Another sentence that has not been written this season.

All is good in the world.

PS – You could tell the Saskatchewan Roughriders hadn’t won yet this year because they almost killed their new Head Coach dumping Gatorade on him.  That’s obviously an acquired skill and they’ve simply not needed it thus far in 2015.

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