The following are my predictions for Week 3 in the CFL. I don’t know what I am talking about or what the hell is going on. This league is nuts. I should stick to my day job, but I’m unemployed. I went 2-2 in week two, bringing my overall record down to 5-3 after a hot week one start. Boo-urns.
I was looking over Jamie Nye’s predictions at cfl.ca and he does this weird thing where he makes a prediction, and then puts a confidence rating on it. For example, he predicts Edmonton over Ottawa with 25% confidence. Wouldn’t that mean that he’s 75% confident that he’s wrong? That’s like a double negative: I’m not not sure Edmonton will win. Shouldn’t all of his confidence ratings be at least 50%? C’mon, Jamie, grow a spine.
Ottawa at Edmonton
I predicted Ottawa would go 3-15 this year, and they’ve already won two games, so that means… I don’t know what that means. I think Ottawa will win this game so that someone over at TSN can say “these guys are for real” near the end of the game (I predict either Suitor or Black). I can hardly wait. I am 49% confident that this prediction will not be incorrect with a margin of error of 5%, 7 times out of 10. Beat that Jamie Nye, if that is your real name.
Ottawa over Edmonton
Montreal at Winnipeg
Now that we have a little film on him, our friend Mr. Cato will come crashing down to earth and the Bombers will put on an offensive show for their fans. I think that Winnipeg will win because I love how their stadium looks on TV, especially at night. The way the lighting is placed, it looks like a European soccer field. I mean soccer pitch. I mean football pitch. I’ll be at Investors Group Field for Grey Cup but I expect my eyelids will be frozen shut, so I will not get a good look around the place then. Television will have to suffice, as will the ridiculous reasoning I am using to support this pick.
Winnipeg over Montreal
Saskatchewan at BC
The Saskatchewan Roughriders are better than the British Columbia Lions. Saskatchewan’s defence is terrible but BC’s offense is even worse. Saskatchewan’s offense is scary good right now, with Messam killing everyone to death and Glenn bombing everyone into the Stone Age. Saskatchewan is hungry for a win after two close ones, while BC has started the year like a bunch of hobos staggering out one at a time (thank you Goodfellas). Both Chris Schultz and Jamie Nye (with a 60% confidence rating) are picking the Riders.
With all that said, obviously, Saskatchewan will lose this game, because that’s what the Riders do—they lose when they shouldn’t. However, historically, or at least how I remember history*, the Riders often do well in BC, so although I know I am a fool for predicting a Rider win, I will do so. I am also a fool for buying all these damned Water Monkeys.
*I want the wish the Kaiser a belated congratulations for winning World War One. Take that, Sparta!
Saskatchewan over BC
Toronto at Calgary
Contrary to my initial assessment, it looks like Calgary isn’t all that good this year. In accordance with my initial assessment, Toronto is quite good this year. Hence I’m going with Toronto because I am correct 50% of the time. And it is bad luck for the Stampeders to play in Calgary during Stampede*. I just made that last part up.
*Technically speaking, the Stampeders are not playing in Calgary during Stampede, since Stampede ends on Sunday and this game is being played on Monday, but who in Calgary is going to want to go to a Monday night game after Stampede? Nobody, that’s who. This is just bad planning, but I assume Calgary had to agree to play this game at home, otherwise the league would have forced them to play the game in Nunavut (a la Argos in Fort McMurray).
And just so you know, it’s not the Stampede, it’s just Stampede, and it’s not Yee haw, it’s Yahoo. Yee haw is the noise a donkey makes. You’re not a donkey, are you? No, you’re not.
And speaking of Stampede, did you know that Stevie Wonder is closing out Stampede on Sunday night? Stevie Wonder. Stevland Hardaway Morris. That renowned Country and Western superstar, Stevie Wonder. Motown comes to Cowtown, I guess, and then Hogtown comes to Cowtown the next day. That’s a lot of towns. Garth Brooks is opening for Stevie, but he’s performing as Chris Gaines, so… yeah….
Toronto over Calgary