The following are my predictions for Week 4 in the CFL. I predict lots of penalties. Actually, that’s less of a prediction and more of a guarantee. Beyond that, I got nothing.

Hamilton at Montreal

Hamilton, Hamilton, Hamilton. There’s lots of film on Cato now, so he is going down faster than Joe “747” Adams into obscurity. Crompton will be making an appearance no later than the 3^rd quarter, to no avail. Chris Schultz is with me on this pick but he thinks it will be a “tight game”. Nope. The Tiger-Cats will maul the Alouettes. (See what I did there? “Maul”? Get it? Maul. Tiger-Cats?  Ah forget it; you people are impossible.)

Hamilton over Montreal

Edmonton at Ottawa

Didn’t these guys play each other earlier this year? How did that go? I can’t remember. This season is so long, it’s hard to remember what happened the last time these teams faced each other. Anyway, these teams are completely different now. Let’s go with Edmonton. Chris Schultz thinks beating a team twice in a row isn’t easy. Well, life’s not easy, Chris, and yet here we all are. How do you explain that?

Edmonton over Ottawa

BC at Saskatchewan

Now I’m sure these teams played each other, or am I imaging things here? I remember Saskatchewan was up by 11 with 2 minutes to play. I decided to call it a night, secure in the knowledge that the game was well in hand. Of course, I’m being silly. I had to wait up to see exactly how the Riders would blow that lead. This team is the Dustin Johnson of the CFL, minus Pauline Gretzky. Or is it Greg Norman? No, it’s definitely Pauline Gretzky.

Well, anyway, it’s obviously time to review the panic rules for football:

1. When someone says it is not time to panic, that means it is time to panic.
2. When someone says it is time to panic, that means you should have been panicking weeks ago.

These rules apply everywhere but Saskatchewan. In Saskatchewan, it is time to panic around late January, and this panic must continue, along with the over-consumption of alcoholic beverages, until the end of the CFL season. Then you have Christmas, when Roughrider paraphernalia and alcoholic beverages are exchanged as gifts among friends and family. (That’s when baby gets his first mini-bottle of Crown Royal. Look! He fell down the stairs. How adorable!). Then the panic begins anew (and Child Services takes baby away for the winter). This is the circle of life in Saskatchewan.

But here’s the deal. The Roughriders are a streaky team. They will likely lose this game at Mosaic because 0-4 is a nice even number. However, by the mid-point of the season, the Riders will be 5-4 or 4-5 and solidly in third place (in the East). So I’m going to tell Rider Nation it does not need to panic, because baby will be back soon and so will the Riders. Just not yet.

PS – Matthew Cauz over at CFL.ca wrote a great article about the Roughriders and panic, even quoting The Simpsons. Well done, sir. That Kent Brockman interview is a classic. I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords.

BC over Saskatchewan

Winnipeg at Calgary

Battle for first place in the West! Calgary is shaking off some early season over-confidence. Winnipeg is still a pretender. Calgary will win in front of the nastiest home crowd in the CFL. Nasty, nasty people, those Stamps fans.  But they looooove their team.  Chris Schultz claims this game is a tough one to pick. Well, Chris, maybe you should put less thought into it like me.  Voilà!

Calgary over Winnipeg