I decided to make my picks while watching tonight’s CNN Republican Presidential Debate. For some reason, Donald Trump is on the stage. I’m being told he’s running for president. Like, seriously running for president. Did you know that Donald Trump is running for president? I don’t mean some guy named Donald Trump. I mean the Donald Trump, as in Gary Busey/Apprentice/ Donald Trump, as in mattress salesman Donald Trump, as in bankrupt casinos Donald Trump.
That whole casino thing really mystifies me. Do you know how casinos work? You build a shapeless warehouse with no windows, and you invite people to come in, simply to hand their money to you, and they do! They do it because there is a statistically tiny chance they might get some of this money back. That’s the only reason.
And you’d think that this kind of business would be impossible to fail. It’s not a licence to print money, it’s a licence to take money. Printing money is actually a less efficient business model since you have the overhead of actually printing the money. With a casino, the customers just give it to you. Happily.
Money is not used to buy a commodity at a casino; it is the commodity. Casinos are the only business where the customer provides the commodity to the business. And unlike other businesses where the customer expects something for their money, and might even complain if that something didn’t meet their expectations, casino customers don’t expect to get anything. There is no complaints department because there is nothing to complain about. Getting something for their money is just a rare bonus that no one really expects to ever receive, and if it is received, it is usually returned to the casino as soon as possible.
So getting back to Trump, if he’s such a great businessman, how on earth did he screw up his casino business? How do you mess up a business that simply involves taking people’s money. That’s it! And the weirdest thing is, Trump gets really mad when you point out that his casinos went out of business. He doesn’t deny it, he just claims he had nothing to do with it, even though his name is on the building!
Fine, whatever. Let’s take a look at his platform. Hmm, build a wall and Mexicans are rapists. That’s it. I guess this is American politics, so I suppose that’s all he really needs.
Well, as they say in Canadian politics: nice hair though.
British Columbia Lions at Calgary Stampeders
I’m going with an upset here. No reason.
British Columbia Lions over Calgary Stampeders
Edmonton Eskimos at Hamilton Tiger-Cats
The Tiger-Cats are at home. They win.
Also, Edmonton already accomplished what they set out to do this season: beat the Calgary Stampeders. They’ll be coasting into second place in the West now, with no one seriously threatening to climb past them in the standings, and then they’ll get squashed by Calgary in the Western Final.
Hamilton Tiger-Cats over Edmonton Eskimos
Ottawa Redblacks at Saskatchewan Roughriders
Someone needs to take Jamie Nye’s Internet license away because he’s picking the Saskatchewan Roughriders in this game. What is the matter with that guy? Yes, Kevin Glenn will be starting, and yes, the Roughriders are at home. What good did that do earlier in the season? Are you even paying attention, Jamie Nye (if that is your real name)?
One more time: You’ll never go broke betting against the Roughriders.
Ottawa Redblacks over Saskatchewan Roughriders
Winnipeg Blue Bombers at Montreal Alouettes
I understand that Crompton may be back behind centre this week.
First of all, I’m not happy with Crompton’s new haircut. What the hell? He’s gone from being a guy who looks like he says “Awesome” a lot to a guy who may or may not have used chlorine gas on his own citizens. I’m talking, of course, about Syrian President Bashar al-Assad, who Crompton kinda resembles now with the new lid. I doubt Assad has ever said “awesome”, except maybe to say: “That was an awesome job you did today murdering all those civilians, Abdul.”
Did you know that Assad is an ophthalmologist by trade? I always thought that was weird until I found out that Saddam Hussein worked ten years as a nutritionist with Herbal Magic before joining the army. Let me assure you, there is nothing herbal or magic about that place. They hand you a fat blocker and some low-grade speed and tell you not to eat so damned much, tubby.
Anyway, here’s a weird thing. In Chris Schultz’s Week 13 picks over at TSN.ca, he was originally picking the Alouettes over the Roughriders in this game. This prediction has since been changed, but I see where he was coming from with his first pick. The Roughriders are so bad this year, they now get beat by teams they aren’t even playing. You’ll never go broke betting against the Roughriders.
I am not, however, as bold as Mr. Schultz in my predictions, so I’m going with a more conventional prediction here.
Montreal Alouettes over Winnipeg Blue Bombers