WEAK CFL PICKS FOR WEEK 1

In response to Chris Schultz’s Risky Business, the following are my predictions for Week 1 in the CFL since I know that the entire world is waiting for the opinion of some anonymous loser know-nothing amateur blogger living in his mom’s basement.

Ottawa at Montreal

I hate both these teams, so who cares.  That’s what I say.  I hate Montreal because 2009 and 2010, so I hope they lose, but I also hate Ottawa because 1976, so I hope they lose, too.  Since they both can’t lose (a tie is not a loss), I will predict Ottawa doesn’t lose because I have a soft spot for Henry Burris.  This kind of incisive insight and rational consideration is the way I intend to make all my picks during the season.  Screw you, Chris Schultz and all your football knowledge.

Ottawa over Montreal Ottawa in a very boring game

Hamilton at Calgary

I hate Calgary and their fans are mean.  Chris Schultz thinks this will be the best game of Week One.  Wrong!  Winnipeg at Saskatchewan will be the best game. Ratings don’t lie!  The only way a rematch of the previous year’s Grey Cup could be considered more exciting than Winnipeg vs. Saskatchewan is if the Roughriders had been in last year’s Grey Cup, and they were not, so I got one word for you:  very boring.  And if you say that’s two words, I got two more words for you:  shaddup.  Anyway, obviously, Calgary is going to win the Grey Cup this year and will likely go something like 17-2 regular season overall (yes I know, the regular season only has 18 games, but good teams find a way to win), so I predict the Tiger-Cats.  Here’s my thinking.  Since we all just know that the Stamps are really good, they’ll inexplicably suck.  Maybe overconfidence will do them in; maybe some key off-season loses will hurt more than they realize, or maybe my hatred for Calgary will have some sort of unexplainable X-Files-type effect on their year.  Who cares.  They will lose (I’m paraphrasing Ivan Drago here). As the losses pile up, TSN will start talking about how Calgary is due for a big game and the team is like a wounded animal and blabiddy-blah-blah.  I still hate Hamilton because 1972, but you guys took it like a man in 1989 and 2013, so Go Hamilton!

Hamilton over Calgary

Edmonton at Toronto from Fort Mcmurray

Chris Schultz points out that since the game is being played in Fort McMurray, it cannot be considered a home game for Toronto.  No shit it can’t be considered a home game.  Here’s the thing–if you play a game thousands of miles from your home stadium, it cannot be considered a home game.  I think this game was scheduled as a warning to all teams to get their scheduling shit in order, because if they don’t they can look forward to playing “home” games in Yukon next year.

Chris says he can’t pick an early season upset, probably because he knows what he’s talking about and wants to preserve his credibility, but I have no such limitations.  Toronto in a rout!  I hate the Eskimos because, by the end of the 1976 season (specifically at around the :20 mark of the Fourth Quarter of the Grey Cup), they supplanted the Riders as the perennial CFL western powerhouse, so screw ‘em.  And Chris Jones kinda bugs me, but I don’t exactly know why yet.  And one thing about Fort McMurray.  I suspect that the town council or whoever authorized that stadium to be built are wishing they had a do-over, given current oil prices.

Toronto over Edmonton

Winnipeg at Saskatchewan

Chris Schultz calls it a tough opening game for Winnipeg.  Damn rights.  And he points out that Winnipeg had two problems last year: offense and defence.  Well, that’s not really what he wrote, but again, who cares.  I’ll keep misquoting Chris Schultz for as long as he continues to write things I can misquote (or until I get a letter from TSN’s lawyer, and I’m not talking about Jock Climie).  Okay, so here’s where I show my Rider fan bona fides.  I predict a 14-4 regular season record and the franchise’s 5th Grey Cup in November 2015.  That’s my irrational and based-on-nothing macro prediction.  Nevertheless, in a complete about-face, my equally irrational but far more realistic micro-prediction for the Riders is a terrible loss in their home opener, triggering a knee-jerk reaction from Rider Nation to re-animate the long-dead corpses of Eagle Keys and Ron Lancaster and run Darian Durant out of town on a rail.  (What does that mean;  on a rail?  I mean, I know what it means, but if you are going to kick someone out of town, why go to the trouble of carrying him out?  Drag him out, or use a catapult or whatever, but carry him?  Gees, people, think before do.  Angry mobs are so stupid.)

Bombers over Riders-followed by enraged drunken call-in shows all across Saskatchewan

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