ORRIDGE TO ENJOY ALLEGEDLY HISTORIC FIRST LABOUR DAY WEEKEND

CFL Commissioner and Tiniest Man in Professional Football Award Winner Jeffrey Orridge’s first Labour Day weekend will be a historic one, so claims The Canadian Press, which inexplicably touted “the severing of the CFL’s partnership with the Canadian Centre for Ethics in Sports to administrate its drug policy” as a league achievement.

Asked to explain, Orridge claimed that “ethics were for losers” and “drugs turn average men into gridiron gods, at least until multiple concussions reduce them to drooling monkeys.”

Orridge, 54 going on 22 (by the looks of his photographs), assumed the commissioner’s job April 29. The New York native immediately became a trailblazer as the smallest, and first black, commissioner among North America’s top five pro sports organizations — the CFL, NFL, NBA, NHL and Major League Baseball, not counting Idi Amin’s chaotic and still-unexplained two week tenure as commissioner of the NHL in 1974.

“And the crazy thing is,” said Orridge, “I hadn’t even heard of the CFL until three years ago when I was googling light bulbs.”

Orridge said his biggest surprise has been Saskatchewan’s struggles, admitting he had no idea that the Roughriders were historically synonymous with sports futility and often unwatchable football.

“Who would’ve predicted that?” Orridge said. “They (Riders) have a storied history of putting great teams on the field and having major success.”

When confused members of The Canadian Press pointed out that the Roughriders have only won four Grey Cups in over 100 years and are more often regarded as the league doormat, Orridge replied: “What’s a Grey Cup?”

Asked where he would be watching the full slate of CFL action over the Labour Day long weekend, Orridge indicated he was “more of a baseball guy” so he did not expect to see any of the games.  “That’s what my staff is for,” he added.

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