HAMILTON at MONTREAL RECAP!

I missed most of this game so this recap is going to suck. However, this provides me with a terrific opportunity to talk to you good people about the amazing Naväge Nasal Hygiene System.  It’s like a bidet, except for your face!  When I think about running warm water through my plugged-up nasal cavity, I think hygiene! That woman deserves an Oscar.

I keep waiting for Cato to have a bad game but he’s holding up pretty well.  Okay, enough about the game.  GMC is really bothering me with those goddamned commercials.

First of all, they run these commercials during football games, but they don’t draw any analogy between football and their trucks, just basketball and baseball.  So okay, whatever, I’ll give them a pass on that, but that whole thing about calling pitchers Rembrandts is bullshit.  They just made that up!  I searched online and, yes, there are some people out there claiming it’s true, but I call bullshit again.  I think these people are GMC or Leo Burnett plants who make the weak-ass claim that old timers used to say it, or they claim they’ve heard the term thousands of times.  Then they talk about their girlfriends who live in another province.

Let’s just analyse this.  Who thinks that Rembrandt is known for painting the corners?  Painting the corners is what commercial painters are good at—cutting around doorways or where the ceiling meets the wall.

“Hey Rembrandt, I like the way those colours create such depth and realism, but I love how you managed not to get any paint on the frame,” said not one fucking person ever.

This dumb campaign sounds like something that some artsy-nerd, who’s never even seen a baseball game, would come up with during some Mad Men wannabe brainstorming session.  All the other nerds would nod their heads and think “that’s sounds… right, I guess…” and then they would all dash off to have sex with their secretaries or whatever.

Then the other commercial really bothers me, too, because it’s two basketball teams that almost look like real NBA teams playing in front of some kind of blurry CGI crowd, half of whom appear to be wearing nondescript blank yellow tank tops. I guess the commercial features some (one) NBA player, but that’s the closest it gets to the actual NBA.  Here’s the problem.  Precision engineering, which GMC is claiming to tout, involves an attention to detail, yet all the details in this commercial are fake.  This commercial is the posterchild for cutting corners and general cheapness.  You’re not getting a real NBA game here, you’re getting a clumsy knockoff, just like our trucks!  If you look closely, those aren’t headlights, they’re pie plates!  Now take your $1,000 factory rebate and get out of here!

Anyway, it was an okay game.  I’ve gotten used to more offense this year, so of what I saw, it was a little dull, but congrats Montreal.  I figured you’d get blown out by Hamilton.  My bad.  I guess I threw up an air ball on that, or maybe I struck out.  I’m a regular Michelangelo.

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