CFL RABBIT INJURED; LIKELY OUT FOR SEASON

Following a career performance during the 2015 Labour Day Classic tilt between the Edmonton Eskimos and the Calgary Stampeders at McMahon Stadium, CFL Rabbit announced that he had ruptured his left Achilles tendon.  Team doctors would not speculate as to the full extent of the injury, listing him as day-to-day, whatever that means, pending an MRI tomorrow when he was expected to be added to the team’s 6-game injury list.

“We’re just taking it one day at a time,” said CFL Rabbit.  “I’ve been through this process before.  At last year’s Western Final, I blew my hammy on the final play of the third quarter. Injuries like this really put everything in perspective.  I’ve still got my wife and my 10,000 children, so yeah, life is still good.”

“Ten thousand and fifty,” said CFL Rabbit’s wife, patting her belly.

CFL Rabbit joins several other high-profile CFL personnel on the injury shelf this season, including Darian Durant (Achilles tendon), Travis Lulay (MCL) and Blue Bomber mascot Boomer (aggravated assault by fellow mascot Buzz).

Well wishes have poured in throughout the CFL and the Twitterverse, although not everyone has been supportive.  Veteran journalist Rob Vanstone of the Regina Leader-Post pointed out that CFL Rabbit was clearly showboating after crossing into the endzone.  Vanstone then launched into an hour-long dissertation of every injury ever suffered by any player, coach, management personnel, cheerleader or office staff in the 104-year history of the Saskatchewan Roughrider organization, including Frank Tripucka’s 1954 stubbed toe after fixing the wobbly leg on his kitchen table.

Others were even less complimentary (but more to the point).

“He’s a dick,” said long-time battery pitchman, the Energizer Bunny.

Saskatchewan Roughriders mascot and league punchline Gainer the Gopher expressed disgust at the all attention CFL Rabbit was getting.

“I’ve had broken arms, legs, a ruptured spleen, collapsed lung, third degree burns over 80% of my body, and that’s just regular Friday night games; don’t get me started about the playoffs,” said Gainer. “Hell, one time I even got stabbed in the eye with a beer bottle.  That happened at the Empire Hotel in ’89—Glen Suitor cannot take a joke—but my point is… I don’t know what my point is.  Where’s that drink you promised me?”

Another detractor, Edmonton mascot whatever-that-thing-is-with-the-football-head, claimed CFL Rabbit was milking the injury after two sub-par seasons.  “What’s the big deal?  So he’s hurt.  Boo-hoo. He’s just a stupid rabbit!  A Fucking! Stupid! Rabbit!” said the visibly irate stuffed football head.

Calgary Stampeder touchdown horse “Quick Six” defended CFL Rabbit, claiming that CFL Rabbit was not being given enough credit.

“CFL Rabbit is here every morning, sprinting back and forth, back and forth,” said Quick Six. “The only time he ever stops is to have sex with his wife.  Come to think of it, I’ve seen him do that a lot, too.  Too much, actually.  Way too much.  Cripes, one time I thought she’d be in a wheel chair after he got done with her, but nope, she just hopped up like it was nothing.  Nothing.  Wow.  And she keeps coming back for more.  She’s insatiable.  And they do it right in front of their kids!”

Former Eskimo quarterback and current TSN football analyst Matt Dunigan was more circumspect despite his obvious hostility to CFL Rabbit.

“I never liked CFL Rabbit,” he said.  “If it was up to me, I’d shoot that varmint, skin him and cook him up on the BBQ.  Now ya see, you have to think of rabbit as good dark-meat chicken; a little gamy and a little sweet. It’s pretty lean and if it’s prepared properly, I’d serve it with a light-bodied wine, maybe Pinot Noir or a white Rhône. Keep in mind that if it’s served with a sauce, you gotta match the wine with the sauce.  I can’t stress that enough.”

Dunigan’s comments stirred up an immediate backlash on the Internet similar to that faced by Dr. Walter Palmer, the now-infamous Minnesota dentist who shot world famous Cecil the Lion in Zimbabwe.  Protesters picketed TSN headquarters in Toronto, burning Dunigan in effigy and calling for his immediate termination.  Police were required to attend and used water cannons and pepper spray to disburse the crowd.  Said one distraught protester:  “Damn it, you never serve a Pinot Noir with rabbit!”

Afterward, Dunigan reacted by pointing out that he had never actually made the statement attributed to him, but in fact, the whole thing was completely made up a pathetic blogger who really needs to get a life. Seriously.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.