WEAK 2021 CFL PREDICTIONS FOR WEEK 3

There are a combined sixteen guys making CFL predictions over at cfl.ca and 3DownNation. You can’t find one token woman to make picks in either one of these organizations? Do women watch the CFL, other than TSN’s Kate Beirness? Or maybe Ms. Beirness doesn’t actually watch the CFL. Maybe she just does her nails and fixes her hair and makeup when the CFL panel is off the air, then asks the boys a few quick questions right before the cameras go on:

Who’s playing? What’s an Allouette? Is McMahon an actual football stadium? What’s the difference between a punt and a kick? Is Redblack short for Rod Black? Why does Matt Dunnigan look like he’s turning onto a linebacker the older he gets? Is Ron Lancaster still playing? How do we shut Milt Stegall’s mic off?

In any event, TSN does not appear to let Ms. Beirness make online predictions, probably because they are afraid she will render foolish the wisdom of men.

As of this week, the 16-man roster of “experts” (italics and quotation marks in one sentence!) from cfl.ca and 3DownNation are a combined 45-83 in their predictions. This is the reason bookies are licking their chops waiting for single-game betting to start for the CFL. If this is the record for people who know something about Canadian football, what hope does the everyday moron like me have? None. No hope. About anything. I’m not just talking about football. I mean life in general.

So in honour of the dearth of female representation at tsn, cfl.ca and 3DownNation, and in recognition of the incompetence of the males over at cfl.ca and 3DownNation, I will use the football prognostication technique of Diane Chambers. If you don’t know who Diane Chambers is, then you are obviously not an old man. Shame on you. Being an old man is the only way to go through life.

Diane only offered limited guidelines, as follows:

A bear will obviously beat a dolphin
Red beats blue, blue beats yellow, yellow beats mauve

With this admittedly sparce guidance, my CFL picks for week 3 in the, uh, CFL, are as follows:

Edmonton Elks at B.C. Lions

A lion and an Elk? C’mon. An elk has no chance against a lion, so Lions. Duh.

Montreal Alouettes at Calgary Stampeders

Red beats blue. Done. Stampeders get their first victory of the year.

Winnipeg Blue Bombers at Toronto Argonauts

This is a tricky one. Blue beats yellow, but Winnipeg is blue and yellow (or gold, but let’s not get tangled up in technicalities), so the blue cancels out the yellow, leaving us with nothing. It’s like going to university and double-majoring in psychology and reverse psychology; you learn nothing (credit B. J. Novak).

Toronto is double blue, and with the yellow in Winnipeg (again, yes, gold, but just shut up), we know double blue definitely beats yellow, so a clear winner: Toronto.

Ottawa REDBLACKS! at Saskatchewan Roughriders

No rules apply to the Saskatchewan Roughriders. The team exists outside all time and space. However, I’ve said it before many times: you’ll never go broke betting against the Roughriders. There is no reason to depart from this default position on the Roughriders.

Furthermore and moreover, the gentlemen over at cfl.ca, who I have referred to as the Six Horsemen of the Apocalypse on more than one occasion, have issued the kiss of death to the Saskatchewan Roughriders: they have unanimously picked the Roughriders to win. That seals it. Ottawa wins.

One final thought. I think Cody Fajardo kinda looks like Ashton Kutcher. Anything…?