NOT THE CFL NISSAN TITAN POWER RANKINGS: LEGAL MARIJUANA EDITION

The All-Mighty Staff (or perhaps the High and Mighty Staff) over at CFL.CA clearly got into the cannabis a few days before it became legal (today) since the latest CFL Nissan Titan Power Rankings were obviously prepared while someone was in a highly altered state of mind.  We can only hope that, later this week, Scott Cullen over at TSN.CA, who looks like a straight-shooter unlikely to be seduced by the siren song of legalized recreational pot, offers a sober and stable contrast to the wild drug-fueled gibberish produced over at CFL.CA.

And with the very disappointing breaking news out of Saskatchewan today, I can unhappily but confidently issue my patented Gold-Plated Can’t-Miss Guaranteed Win Night to the Saskatchewan Roughriders for this Saturday’s game against the Calgary Stampeders at McMahon Stadium. I will explain below.

For now, here is my review of what the Mighty and Holy Staff at CFL.CA had to say this week in its CFL Nissan Titan Power Rankings.

  1. CALGARY STAM… WAIT… WHAT? HAMILTON TIGER-CATS…?

Look, who did the Hamilton Tiger-Cats beat in their last two games? The semi-pro Toronto Argonauts and the tied-for-last-place-in-the-West British Columbia Lions.  Those victories vault them into first in the CFL Nissan Titan Power Rankings?  Puh-leeeese!  Have another Dorito, CFL Staff.  You must be on drugs.

PS- My apologies to Mr. Masoli, who I still think is this year’s MOP.  The guy is a makin’-nothin’-outta-something play-makin’ machine.

  1. CALGARY STAMPEDERS

Y’know, these injuries are starting to make Bo Levi Mitchell look like a regular CFL quarterback. Suddenly, the entire team looks pretty average.

  1. SASKATCHEWAN ROU… WAIT… WHAT? –WINNIPEG BLUE BOMBERS?

See Winnipeg Blue Bombers? I predicted weeks ago that you would have your revenge on the Saskatchewan Roughriders.  There you go.

Granted, last week here at Discombobulated, I speculated that last week’s game would not be a blow-out as I had earlier predicted, but it was a win nevertheless.

So you’re welcome, Winnipeg Blue Bombers.

The bad news is that you are still likely to end up facing the Saskatchewan Roughriders in the West Semi-final, in Regina, at Mosaic.  Good luck with that.

  1. SASKATCHEWAN ROU… WAIT… WHAT? BRITISH COLUMBIA LIONS?

For chrissakes, Lions, go away already!

If the British Columbia Lions win this weekend, they clinch a playoff spot.  What’s happening?

Image result for what is happening? poltergeist

  1. SASKATCHEWAN ROU… WAIT… WHAT? EDMONTON ESKIMOS?

Look Edmonton Eskimos.  I’ve had enough of this bullshit.  It’s time to do us both a favour and place the British Columbia Lions on the edge of playoff extinction.

And another thing, it is WAY too early for your fans to start trying to unload their Grey Cup tickets on Kijiji. Win this game and commence your charge to the Grey Cup.  I have no difficulties with a Saskatchewan Roughriders/Edmonton Eskimos Grey Cup this November.  That would be the preferred matchup for a sold-out stadium and a good time in Edmonton all weekend.

I already have my hotel room booked although I admit I have been banking on the Eskimos getting knocked out of the playoffs so that I can snag a cheap Grey Cup ticket, but still….

I don’t like you and you don’t like me, Edmonton Eskimos, but enough is enough.  Win!  Or else!

  1. SASKATCHEWAN ROU… WAIT… WHAT? OTTAWA REDBLACKS!?

I hate the REDBLACKS! but it still strikes me as messed up that the first place team in the East Division is ranked five spots below the second place team in the East Division.

  1. SASKATCHEWAN ROUGHRIDERS (FINALLY)

Seriously?  Seventh?  Se-ven-th?!  Just above the moribund and doleful Montreal Alouettes?  The 3-12 Montreal Alouettes?  The 10-6 Saskatchewan Roughriders have the second best record in the league, possibly the best defense in the league, and have clinched a playoff spot.  That gets them seventh in the CFL Nissan Titan Power Rankings?

Nissan Titan should consider pulling its name from these rankings, for the sake of its brand, the company and the entire automotive industry. I understand the stock price of Nissan Motor Co Ltd. collapsed moments after the CFL Nissan Titan Power Rankings were posted.  This is indeed a sad day for CFL Power Rankings everywhere.  I’m outraged.  Outraged! You’ve done enough, CFL Staff. Have you no sense of decency, sir, at long last? Have you left no sense of decency?

The Staff over at CFL.CA wrote, in reference to the 31-0 beating the Roughriders absorbed last week at the hands of the Winnipeg Blue Bombers, that “Grey Cup contenders don’t lose like this in October.” Well, Staff, let me just say this on behalf of civilization, and all things good and proper in the world, that, uh, well… good point. I suppose. That game was pretty bad.

But!

I agree that normal “Grey Cup contenders” don’t lose like this, but  we’re talkin’ about the Saskatchewan Roughriders, the ridiculous, absurd and calamitous Saskatchewan Roughriders Football Club. The normal rules don’t apply.

May I remind everyone that the 2013 Saskatchewan Roughriders lost their last two regular season games, including a loss to the 4-14 Edmonton Eskimos?  May I reminder everyone that the 2007 Saskatchewan Roughriders lost their last regular season game 41-13 to the Toronto Argonauts?  May I remind everyone that the 1989 Saskatchewan Roughriders lost their last regular season game 49-17 to the Edmonton Eskimos?

Did everyone panic when the Roughriders started to fall apart at the end of those championship seasons?  Well… yes, but so what?  Hey CFL Staff!  If everyone jumped off a cliff at the end of the CFL season, would you?

One can only hope that there is a closet member of Rider Nation on the “Staff” at CFL.CA who is trying to issue a wake-up call to the Saskatchewan Roughriders– that this kind of pathetic performance cannot be explained away as a “stubbed toe”, or a short travel week, or just a bad day at the office for the offense.  Either this team starts scoring or it is kaput!

However, I would like to leave the past behind and focus on the future.

I am now in position to call this Saturday’s Saskatchewan Roughriders game against the Calgary Stampeders:  it will be a Roughriders victory.

As always, victory or defeat rarely depends upon what is going on with the team the Roughriders are playing.  It has everything to do with what is going on with the Saskatchewan Roughriders. The reason I can issue my patented Guaranteed Win prediction (legal note: not actually patented or even trademarked) is due to the very unfortunate news that Roughriders’ defensive end Charleston Hughes has been charged with impaired driving.

The Saskatchewan Roughriders should lose this Saturday’s game, all things considered.

Calgary is still the best team in the CFL, notwithstanding the CFL Staff’s drug-addled power ranking.  The Stampeders almost always win at home.  They rarely lose two in a row at home and they are likely in a foul mood after losing to the British Columbia Lions last week.  They are first in the West Division and possess the CFL’s best record, not only this year but for the past five or so years.  The game is being played in McMahon Stadium, a dilapidated but foreboding sports arena akin to Dr. Frankenstein’s castle.  The Stampeders still have one of the best offenses in the CFL and they do possess the best defense, if Points Against are any indication. They remain the odds-on favourite to win the Grey Cup (or Odd-son favourite).

The Roughriders are coming off a 31-0 beating at the hands of a division rival, having barely beaten the two worst teams in the CFL in two of their last three games.  They have no offense, period.  Their defense has been coughing up points lately like exhaust from an 80-year old diesel engine. The fans are outraged (which is actually totally normal).  Injuries are starting to pile up.  The inestimable Mr. Jamie Nye has predicted a Stampeders’ victory with an 80% confidence (kudos for calling the Stampeders/Lions upset last week BTW).  The team clinched a playoff spot already so they have no reason to play with any urgency.  Finally, the team’s best player on defense has just been charged with a criminal offense that will likely get him cut from the team, and has already been suspended for at least (this) one game. The wheels are coming off the Saskatchewan Roughriders at just the exact right moment to ruin the entire season.  There is no way the Saskatchewan Roughriders are getting out of Calgary with 2 points.

But they will.  So there.

(This just in:  the Six Horsemen of the Apocalypse over at CFL.CA have all predicted a Calgary Stampeders’ victory.  This all but seals a Saskatchewan Roughriders’ win. And a Tiger-Cats loss, given the unanimous prediction for that game, too.)

  1. MONTREAL ALOUETTES

What is there to say about the moribund and doleful Montreal Alouettes that hasn’t already been said?

  1. TORONTO ARGONAUTS

Ditto, Toronto Argonauts.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.