The only spooky mystery that existed this week in the CFL is how the Holy Staff would rip off the Saskatchewan Roughriders in this week’s CFL Nissan Titan Power Rankings because I knew they wouldn’t let them be first.
After the Roughriders beat the former number one Stampeders twice, and after long ago beating the former number one Tiger-Cats twice, and after the Tiger-Cats went down in flames against the REDBLACKS!, twice, and after the former number one Lions were soundly beaten (for a second time) last week by the Roughriders, the bitter and resentful Staff at CFL.CA still couldn’t bring itself (or themselves, or whatever) to lock the Saskatchewan Roughriders into the top spot.
I will hold my nose, again, and provide my thoughts on what the Mighty and Holy Staff at CFL.CA had to say this week in its CFL Nissan Titan Power Rankings.
- WINNIPEG BLUE BOMBERS
All I can say is the Blue Bombers had better beat the surprisingly irrelevant and incompetent Edmonton Eskimos this week if the Staff at CFL.CA is going to retain even a shred of credibility.
The only reason the Blue Bombers have been ranked so high lately, and are leading those damned “CFL Simulation” betting odds on CFL.CA, is their fluke 31-0 pasting of the Roughriders three weeks ago. But one game does not a season make! One way or another, the Blue Bombers ain’t getting to the Grey Cup without beating the Saskatchewan Roughriders in Mosaic Stadium, and that’s not going to happen.
Actually, if I were to be more realistic, of which I am constitutionally incapable as a member of Rider Nation, I should try to be a little less confident about things.
If Mr. Collaros cannot gather his wits about him in time for the Roughriders’ first playoff game, it’s probably curtains for the Roughriders unless Roughriders’ Offensive Coordinator and guy who looks like he just woke up from a nap every time they show his face during games on television, Stephen McAdoo, can figure out what to do with Brandon “Air Canada Rouge” Bridge.
You can’t win playoff games with only “run up the middle” and “swing pass for minus three yards” as the only arrows in your quiver. Most defenses catch on after a few minutes. And even if they don’t, Mr. Bridge can’t throw a swing pass to save his life. Now, ask him to run for fifteen yards or chuck the ball down the field for thirty yards, then maybe you got something. But, if history is any indication, we can expect Mr. McAdoo to firmly place the handcuffs on Mr. Bridge and keep him mired in short yardage ball control drudgery. But maybe Mr. McAdoo knows something about Mr. Bridge that we don’t.
I have a theory about the Saskatchewan Roughriders’ offense. The coaching staff knows that the Roughriders can win games with defense alone, so they plodded along in the regular season on that assumption. Perhaps they were holding back their best offensive plays for the playoffs so that teams cannot properly game-plan for them when it really counts. This is a stretch, but what the hell.
And have you ever flown Air Canada Rouge? Not good. Not good at all.
- SASKATCHEWAN ROUGHRIDERS
I was watching the Roughriders/Lions game last week on TSN, and even from a thousand kilometres away I could see Zach Collaros was knocked senseless by Odell Willis’s headshot. Aside from Mr. Collaros lying on his back like a drunk who just got tossed out of The Pump in Regina (is that place still open?), and then getting up, only to almost take a knee twice, you could see from his eyes inside his helmet he was in La La Land. (It’s a nice place to visit but you wouldn’t want to live there.) I have two questions.
First, who is the supposed CFL concussion spotter? Mr. Magoo?
Second, does anyone even know who Mr. Magoo is anymore?
Bonus third question: Have I just dated myself by referring to Mr. Magoo? Bonus answer: Yes.
Anyway, here’s the problem for Saskatchewan. Yes, they have at least two weeks to prepare for their first playoff game, but if their starting quarterback spends those two weeks trying to get that ringing noise out of his head, even if he is physically ready to play in two weeks, how prepared can he really be?
- OTTAWA REDBLACKS!
The question remains whether REDBLACKS! starting quarterback Trevor Harris will show up of the playoffs, or his evil twin brother Hank Harris.
This was the same problem the REDBLACKS! faced in 2016 when their quarterback was the king of the Jekyll and Hyde routine, Mr. Henry Burris.
Speaking of Mr. Burris, I haven’t seen him around on the TSN panels lately. In his stead is the ascot-wearing aristocrat Davis Sanchez Rockefeller Vanderbilt III, who a week earlier almost got in a fist-fight with Matt Dunigan. I happen to think that Mr. Dunigan looks like he could beat Mr. Sanchez in a fight, but I believe Mr. Dunigan is a lot older than Mr. Sanchez, so I would go with Mr. Sanchez if those two ever do decide to throw down.
For the record, the REDBLACKS! are the only team that should be ranked ahead of the Roughriders (if any team should be ranked ahead of the Roughriders at this point in the season (big if)) since they are the only team that has not lost to the Roughriders this season.
- CALGARY STAMPEDERS
Ask not for whom the bell tolls. It tolls for thee.
I’m not sure that passage really applies here, but it kinda sounds like it applies. Maybe Dylan Thomas wrote it best:
Do not go gentle into that good night, Calgary Stampeders,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Or just get out of the way,
For the rising Roughriders and Blue Bombers.
You had your fun, don’t make this unpleasant.
And don’t let the door hit you on the way out,
And take your crappy stadium and that stupid horse with you.
This is real Twilight of the Gods stuff.
Après moi, le deluge.
- BRITISH COLUMBIA LIONS
Another supposedly worthy pretender to the CFL Nissan Titan Power Rankings throne bites the dust; the third in as many weeks.
Obviously, I will be cheering for the Lions this weekend, but I’m not holding my breath. This team will likely end its season with two nondescript losses, but it would still be fun for me and Mr. Buono to watch the Stampeders knocked out of their high perch for the first time in many years. After all, who better to do that than Mr. Buono, particularly the way he was sent packing by the Stampeders organization all those years ago?
- HAMILTON TIGER-CATS
I would prefer to see the Hamilton Tiger-Cats in the Grey Cup. Hopefully they can bring Marquay McDaniel and Terrell Sinkfield Jr. fully on line in a hurry.
Incidentally, what is the deal with Ric Flair coming to Hamilton? What is his connection to the team? Or do random retired professional wrestlers just show up in Hamilton for no reason, just for the hell of it? I like Ric Flair, but this just seems a little weird. And with the way the Tiger-Cats are playing lately, he may have nothing to “Whoooo!” about (as if he ever needs anything to “Whoooo” about).
- EDMONTON ESKIMOS
Has anyone checked to see if there are any Grey Cup tickets available? Like on Kijiji or something.
You know, the last time the Boston Red Sox won the World Series was 2013, and the last time the Saskatchewan Roughriders won the Grey Cup was 2013.
And the last time the Edmonton Eskimos missed the playoffs was 2013, and the last time Saskatchewan Roughriders won the Grey Cup was 2013.
I’m not sayin’; I’m just sayin’.
- MONTREAL ALOUETTES
I still think Mr. Manziel ends up in Saskatchewan next year.
- TORONTO ARGONAUTS
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. When you can’t beat the worst team in the league, you are the worst team in the league.
I’m reading here on TSN.CA that Argonauts and Toronto FC president Bill Manning says he expects the Toronto Argonauts to be a playoff team every year.
First of all, does he have even a passing familiarity with the Toronto Argonauts? Does he realize what kind of a franchise the Toronto Argonauts are? They stink most of the time, only to pop up out of nowhere to win a Grey Cup after an unexpected playoff run, and then disappear into the mire for a few years.
Second, I would suggest that he ought to have made that expectation known at the beginning of the season, rather than in the last week of the regular season with the Argonauts firmly out of the playoffs. Someone hasn’t been paying attention.
PS – Has anyone told Mr. Manning about how Toronto FC is doing this year? Maybe send him a memo and then take the rest of the day off.