NOT THE CFL NISSAN TITAN POWER RANKINGS: “ARE YOU KIDDING ME?” EDITION

If aliens arrived on Earth and took a look at this week’s CFL Nissan Titan Power Rankings, which is obviously the first thing aliens would do right before irradiating our planet, they could be excused for not understanding how Canadian football works.

The Saskatchewan Roughriders have a better record than the British Columbia Lions and the Winnipeg Blue Bombers.  They just finished beating the first place Calgary Stampeders.  The Saskatchewan Roughriders have won the season series against the Calgary Stampeders and the Winnipeg Blue Bombers, and they have beaten the British Columbia Lions in the only meeting between the two teams.  In fact, the Roughriders are the only team to have beaten the British Columbia Lions at home this season.  And yet, those three teams are all ranked higher than the Saskatchewan Roughriders in this week’s CFL Nissan Titan Power Rankings.

No wonder the aliens would irradiate the whole planet after looking over this hot mess. If CFL rankings can be screwed up that much, there is no hope for humanity and we deserve to be irradiated.

I can only hope that the Holy and Mighty Staff over at CFL.CA is merely trying to gin up interest amongst the phlegmatic fan bases of teams not named Roughriders because they know Rider Nation is already worked up into a complete panting froth follow last week’s conquest, and does not need any further encouragement. If anything, dousing Rider Nation with a bucket of cold water might become necessary just to calm everyone down a bit. If the Roughriders beat Lions this week (which I expect they will), Riderville will be like a dog that knocked over the Grey Cup and is trying to hump it.

I will hold my nose and provide my thoughts on what the Mighty and Holy Staff at CFL.CA had to say this week in its CFL Nissan Titan Power Rankings.

  1. BRITISH COLUMBIA LIONS

Did the Staff at CFL.CA learn nothing last week from the preposterous placement of the Hamilton Tiger-Cats in the number one position? Now the British Columbia Lions are leap-frogging over everyone?

Are you just randomly picking teams for the number one spot at this point in the season? The number one ranking is starting to look like the CFL.CA’s version of a participation medal:  everyone gets a chance. No one’s feelings get hurt and everyone’s self-esteem remains intact. Next week, let’s let Toronto have a turn.

I suppose it’s not all the Staff’s fault since the Six Horsemen of the Apocalypse all predicted a Hamilton Tiger-Cats victory after the Power Rankings were issued, thus reducing the team’s chances of a victory against the Ottawa REDBLACKS! to zero, and thus leaving the CFL Nissan Titan Power Rankings hanging out to dry.

Anyway, CFL.CA, get your shit together! Don’t make me come down there!

  1. CALGARY STAMPEDERS

While it remains highly doubtful the Calgary Stampeders will not finish in first place this year, the fact that there is some doubt should tell us all that this dynasty is on its way out.

I remain convinced, as I was at the outset of this season, that the Calgary Stampeders will not make the Grey Cup this year.  I thought it would either be the Saskatchewan Roughriders or the Edmonton Eskimos who would put a stop to a third-straight appearance, but the Edmonton Eskimos have not lived up to their end of the bargain.  Nonetheless, whether it be the Winnipeg Blue Bombers or the (ugh) British Columbia Lions, or the Saskatchewan Roughriders, the Calgary Stampeders are doomed!  DOOMED!

I have been predicting this decline since around, oh, 2002, so the Stampeders have managed to hang on pretty well, but all things must pass.  Just as the perennial powerhouse 1966 to 1976 Roughriders disappeared, so too will the 2008 to 2018 Stampeders be cast onto the trash heap of CFL history.

Like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives. (credit Days of our Lives).

  1. WINNIPEG BLUE BOMBERS

The Winnipeg Blue Bombers literally did nothing last week to deserve this spot in the CFL Nissan Titan Power Rankings.  This week we see if they deserve this lofty positon amongst the elite of the CFL.

In a perfect world, the Blue Bombers will clear the path for a Roughrider appearance in the Grey Cup.  First, the Bombers take out Calgary this week, leaving first place in the West Division open.  Second, Winnipeg pounds the Edmonton Eskimos the following week just for shits and giggles. My preference would be for the Eskimos to beat the Blue Bombers, just to keep Winnipeg from getting too uppity, but it is just so enjoyable to watch the Eskimos crash and burn.  Then Winnipeg beats the Calgary Stampeders in the West Semifinal, after which a smashed-up Winnipeg Blue Bombers team limps into Mosaic to be put out of their misery by a resplendent and rested Saskatchewan Roughriders.

Now, things rarely pan out as nicely as this for the Saskatchewan Roughriders, but things rarely pan out that nicely for the Winnipeg Blue Bombers, either.  In that regard, these two teams are prairie blood brothers.  I suppose all we can agree upon is that a Winnipeg/Saskatchewan West Final is the best outcome for all parties concerned.  So… good luck Winnipeg Blue Bombers, for now.

  1. SASKATCHEWAN ROUGHRIDERS

I broke out my Gold-Plated Can’t-Miss Guaranteed WinTM prediction last week.  I didn’t want to do it; I just felt I owed it to the CFL.

As I predicted, the Roughriders beat a struggling Stampeders team.  However, keep in mind that a struggling Stampeders team is still the best team in the league. For now; more or less.

I have to say that the Saskatchewan Roughriders defense has to be an intimidating group to play against. Yes, I know, there was that 31-0 blowout a few weeks back, but otherwise, opposing teams can’t make a mistake against this defense, and every yard, every inch, is contested.

And who is this Patrick Lavoie guy?  I had to go on Wikipedia to find out he’s won the Vanier Cup twice and the Grey Cup once.  This guy is a slightly larger version of Rob Bagg (and a lot hairier).  He’s a wrecking ball; an efficient and surgical wrecking ball.  Why would a team trade him away?  How did the Roughriders pull this off? And get Philip Blake in the same trade. These are the kinds of late-season dumb luck additions that happen before a team wins the Grey Cup.  I’m not sayin’; I’m just sayin’.

PS – Thank you CFL.CA Six Horsemen of the Apocalypse for unanimously picking the Stampeders over the Roughriders last week.  They couldn’t have done it without you.

  1. OTTAWA REDBLACKS!

Who knows what hell is with this team?  They should beat the Tiger-Cats this week, but I’ll just ask it again:  who knows what the hell is with this team?

  1. HAMILTON TIGER-CATS

I don’t see this season ending well for the Hamilton Tiger-Cats.  However, if anyone can pull this team to the Grey Cup, perhaps kicking and screaming, it is 2018 MOP Jeremiah Taeatafa Masoli.

  1. EDMONTON ESKIMOS

I feel as if I have been a supporter of this team the entire season, predicting a Grey Cup appearance for the Eskimos one way or another.  At this point, there appears to be only one way now; through the East.  I still hope that the Eskimos make it to the Grey Cup through the back door, since it will make for a better time, but damn, you guys, you just don’t seem to have the gas this year.

  1. TORONTO ARGONAUTS

Whatever.

  1. MONTREAL ALOUETTES

It took the Toronto Argonauts to beat the doleful and moribund Montreal Alouettes to finally convince the CFL.CA Staff to drop the doleful and moribund Montreal Alouettes into ninth in the CFL Nissan Titan Power Rankings.

Mr. Manziel must be hating life right now. Look for him to be traded to Saskatchewan in the off-season if he doesn’t end up in the AAF, although given his performance so far, why would the AAF want him?

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