CFL Commissioner and diaper commercial stunt-double Jeffrey Orridge has announced that he will be stepping down as the Canadian Football League’s top official. The words “stepping down” were specifically used so no one would be able to figure out if he was “fired” or he “quit”.
Orridge indicated that while he loved this “so-called” professional football league and “freezing my ass off every November handing out cheap trophies”, he cited as reasons for his poorly-timed departure as “stupid fans, ugly cheerleaders, crappy stadiums and all the bozos over at TSN.”
“And milk in plastic bags,” he added. “What’s the matter with you people?”
Mr. Orridge also admitted that he thought the CFL was a light bulb company when he originally applied for the job.
“I found the ad on Craigslist and I didn’t realize they played football up in Canada,” he said at a hastily-called press conference in the back alley of CFL headquarters in Toronto. “I thought it was all hockey, beavers and bondage clubs.”
When questioned why he associated Canada with bondage clubs, Orridge ignored the inquiry and continued to load what appeared to be boxes full of CFL-logo office supplies into the trunk of his late model Chevy Camaro.
Orridge ended the impromptu press conference by handing out his résumé attached to a photograph of him in a bathing suit standing next to a confused Abe Vigoda (“It’s the only picture I could find on this short notice,” he explained.) and providing what appeared to be a press release typed on the back of a Chinese food take-out menu:
“It has been an honour to serve as CFN (sic) Commissioner and help to prepare this historic league for an orderly bankruptcy. The Board and I have differing views on the future of the league. I thought we should stop all this silly football nonsense and get into medical marijuana, and the Board just wouldn’t shut up about football. It’s like they were obsessed or something. Well, good luck with that.”
Jim Lawson, Chair of the CFL, also issued a press release on behalf of the league, sending mixed messages at best:
“In Mr. Orridge’s short time with the CFL, Jeffrey worked tirelessly to look like he was promoting player health and safety, the integrity of the League and the values of diversity and inclusion. Well, we now have a record number of Mexicans, Bulgarians and Somalis playing in the league.”
Lawson added that the ban on Irish players remains in place “for the foreseeable future.”
Lawson concluded his comments with the use of fancy words like “metrics” and “strategic plan” and the phrase “don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out.”
Edmonton Eskimos defensive end Odell Willis immediately weighed in on Orridge’s departure, sending out a barrage of tweets all to the effect that he should be the next CFL Commissioner.
He probably should. Him or Nik Lewis.