Having just been released on day passes from Headingley after serving my 14-day sentence for that thing with the thing, you know, most of which being spent in solitary confinement due to a misunderstanding about that other thing, I was denied Internet access and could not comment publicly about the CFL Power Rankings. The bug on my cell wall sure got an earful, though.

Following my two-week absence, I see from Mr. Cullen’s TSN CFL Power Rankings that somehow he has placed the Calgary Stampeders ahead of the undefeated Edmonton Eskimos.  And they call me a criminal.  Well, at least the “Staff” over at cfl.ca managed to keep their wits about them while I was gone.

For the most part, the Power Rankings at tsn.ca and cfl.ca are the same and make some sense.  Let’s review using the cfl.ca Staff’s Nissan Titan Power Rankings as our template.

1. EDMONTON ESKIMOS

The “Staff” have maintained the Eskimos atop the Power Rankings, but Mr. Cullen has placed the Stampeders here.  I realize that the whupping the Stampeders laid on the Tiger-Cats was pretty impressive, but I respectfully submit that the only undefeated team in the Canadian Football League is entitled to more respect. And the Stampeders did lose to the Alouettes.  You know, the Montreal Alouettes (see below; way below)

2. CALGARY STAMPEDERS

I’ve already said all I have to say about this.  Let’s move on.

3. WINNIPEG BLUE BOMBERS

Everyone seems to agree that the Winnipeg Blue Bombers deserve to be in third place in the Power Rankings.  I just don’t know.

I think they are teetering on the edge of a collapse.  The problem is that I also kinda expect them to beat the Edmonton Eskimos this week.  So this collapse will begin on Labour Day.  However, the Blue Bombers will still make the playoffs; I’m just saying that third in the Power Rankings seems a little optimistic.

4. BRITISH COLUMBIA LIONS

The Roughriders were in Beast Mode last week, leaving Mr. Buono with nothing to do on the sideline but chew his lip.  That’s really no different than any other game, so what’s my point?  No point, really.

The Buono pre-game locker room speech that TSN played on a 24-hour repeating loop sounded more like a demoralized father scolding his children after discovering they hadn’t finished raking the lawn yet.  Very inspirational.

“I’m not mad; just very disappointed,” said every parent in history at least once.

5. SASKATCHEWAN ROUGHRIDERS

What the hell are we to make of the Saskatchewan Roughriders?

This team spent the first six games of the 2017 season assuring us they are either one of the worst teams in the league or they are the worst team in the league. Now they play like a real live professional football team.  And not like, say, a CFL East Division professional football team.  A real professional football team.  Like on TV.

I literally cannot remember the last time I watched a Roughrider regular season game that was over midway through the second quarter in a good way.  Even when the Roughriders were spectacular, they rarely blew teams out.  They preferred to torture us for at least three quarters.

Mr. Nye at cfl.ca wantonly and recklessly predicted a Roughrider win against the British Columbia Lions last week, even claiming the woeful Roughriders were “beasts” when playing at home.  Had it not been for my parole violations catching up with me (see above), I would have lambasted him in one of my triumphant posts here at Discombobulated for suggesting the Roughriders’ previous two home victories against the worst teams in professional football warranted such praise.  However, I was wrong and he was right.  Beasts it is.

I will now be forced to attend the August 25^th Roughrider-Eskimo game in Edmonton with some optimism.  That’s the worst way to attend a Roughrider game.  Any sensible person attends a Roughrider game with a pervading sense of impending doom, with the over-consumption of alcohol providing a temporary sense of false confidence before reality firmly sets in around the end of the third quarter when beer sales end.

At this stage in my life, however, a false sense of confidence is about as good as it’s going to get, about anything.  In fact, I’m kinda addicted to it.  I really wouldn’t know what to do with a justifiable sense of confidence. I’d probably do something stupid like try to make something of myself.  Who needs that?

Back to the basement and Simpson’s reruns (nothing after 1995).

6. MONTREAL ALOUETTES

When I read that the Alouettes traded a quarterback to the Roughriders, I thought we were witnessing one of the greatest crow-eating about-faces in sports history.  Then I read the article. I’m confused now.

Are the Roughriders going to snatch up James Franklin from the Edmonton Eskimos next February or not?  Why doesn’t Mr. Jones just admit this is a lost season and stop trading away draft picks for quarterbacks we are not going to use next year when Franklin arrives? Or has Mr. Jones conceded the 2018 James Franklin sweepstakes to the Hamilton Tiger-Cats, given Mr. Collaros’ performance so far this season? Or will Toronto finally give up the Ricky Ray ghost and go after Franklin?

By the way, does anyone else find it interesting that the first word that comes up on google when you search “Collaros” is “salary”?  Perhaps a few concerned Tiger-Cat fans making some casual inquiries?  And how many sentences in a row can I end with a question mark?

And oh the irony!  Drew Willy is Darian Durant’s backup now.  I guess that’s not irony.  Just coincidence, sort of.  Damn.  I thought I had something there.

7. TORONTO ARGONAUTS

For reasons beyond my limited comprehension of reality, Mr. Cullen has gone rogue (not to be mistaken with “rouge”, a common mistake here in the CFL) and ranked the Toronto Argonauts at eight rather than seven.

The “Staff” at cfl.ca have obviously gotten the annual memo from the league that you need to at least try to gin up interest in the Toronto Argonauts, so they kept the Argos at seven, ahead of the wretched Hamilton Tiger-Cats and moribund Ottawa RedBlacks.  Mr. Cullen is probably correct to rank them lower than seven, given that walking Legoman Ricky Ray is currently in the middle of his annual injury, but it doesn’t feel right to rate any team lower than the Tiger-Cats or RedBlacks.

8. OTTAWA REDBLACKS

I remember when Jamie Nye over at cfl.ca was counselling everyone not to panic over the RedBlacks.  I bet he feels pretty silly now.

9. HAMILTON TIGER-CATS

So I had a theory.

I figured that the Tiger-Cats would fire Mr. Austin at the end of the 1-17 2017 season.  The Roughriders would be mulling over the option of firing Mr. Jones at the end of the 2017, 7-11 no-playoff season.  With Mr. Austin floating around out there, the scales would be tipped in favour of terminating Mr. Jones and installing Mr. Austin.  Problem solved; hello 2018 Grey Cup winners: the Saskatchewan Roughriders!

However, during the last interminable Hamilton Tiger-Cat “game”, one of TSN’s football know-it-alls said that Mr. Austin has a great relationship with Tiger-Cats owner and caretaker (yes, ugh; caretaker) Bob Young.  They didn’t think Mr. Austin was in any danger.  So maybe this theory is dumb.

Now the Saskatchewan Roughriders are showing some signs of life, so maybe Mr. Jones stays.  I still highly doubt the Roughriders will make the playoffs, but damn, I don’t know what to think right now.  Anyway, back to the Simpson’s.

Worst. Post. Ever.