Jamie Nye over at cfl.ca writes that it is too early to panic for the Ottawa RedBlacks. Shame on him. Mr. Nye should know that it is never too early to panic, being a life-long member of Rider Nation. Heck, I started to panic 20 minutes after the 2013 Grey Cup, and four years later, look what happened! Maybe if I hadn’t been the only one panicking, we won’t be in such a mess right now. Panic early; panic often. That’s my moto. And carpe diem. Or is it caveat emptor? Carpe emptor?
But I digress. Let’s say, for argument’s sake, that it is time to panic. We here in Rider Nation know a thing or two about panicking three games into a season, so I regard myself as something of an expert about football panic. So… what, pray tell, would a RedBlack panic look like?
First, I’d rename the team the Ottawa Panic. Not the Ottawa Panics. Just the Ottawa Panic. Singular. Like a soccer team: Montreal Impact or Chicago Fire. Very trendy: it’ll attract the kids. By the way, if I owned a sports team in Brussels, I’d name them the Sprouts. Hilarious. Anyway, with the name change, change the team colours to lime and sea blue. Very trendy; again, the kids will love it. Very millennial. And the Panic will make a fortune selling the new team merchandise.
When the team needs a big play during home games, the stadium announcer can scream “It’s time to panic!” like Michael Buffer says “Let’s get ready to rumble!” Actually, that would be more of a Bruce Buffer thing to say, but anyway, the home crowd could then stampede for the exits.
Second, bring in Russ Jackson as some sort of senior advisor and make him the face of the franchise. He doesn’t have to do anything, but no one would dare criticize him, so you’ll be buying yourself a few weeks of quiet grumbling from the fans while everyone buys the new jerseys.
Third, in those three weeks, load up the buses and move the team to Dartmouth. And forget about re-naming the team “Schooners”. Stick with Panic.
You’re welcome, CFL.
One quick observation. In Mr. Nye’s cfl.ca article, he always uses all-caps to write REDBLACKS, like he’s yelling at us every time he writes RedBlacks due to some kind of Tourette’s-like affliction. He should add an exclamation mark, too. REDBLACKS! Then he’ll really sound crazy:
According to REDBLACKS! Head Coach Rick Campbell, the REDBLACKS! special teams need to provide a boost so that the REDBLACKS! offense has better field position and can take some pressure off the REDBLACKS! defense. MOTHER FUCKER SCHICKLGRUBER! During the second quarter of last week’s REDBLACKS! game BITE ME!,… etc.
Anyway, the “Staff” at cfl.ca as well as Mr. Cullen at tsn.ca are largely in agreement as to this week’s CFL Power Rankings, and I am largely in agreement with both, so obviously we are all wrong.
- EDMONTON ESKIMOS
The Eskimos get to beat up the Hamilton Tiger-Cats this week. The rich just keep getting richer.
- BRITISH COLUMBIA LIONS
While the “Staff” at cfl.ca have the British Columbia Lions at number two, Mr. Cullen has faith in the Calgary Stampeders, placing them second. I hope Mr. Cullen is wrong. However, the Stamps get to stomp on the Roughriders this week, so if the Lions and the Eskimos accidentally lose this week, the Stampeders might be back on top in no time flat.
- CALGARY STAMPEDERS
Normally, I would go with whatever Mr. Cullen says, and he ranks the Stampeders second, but the Stampeders lost to the Montreal Alouettes. No one should lose to the Alouettes but the Roughriders. The Stampeders ought to be ashamed of themselves. And not just because they play at McMahon Stadium.
- WINNIPEG BLUE BOMBERS
I don’t like the Blue Bombers, but I’m glad to see that the top four West Division teams are in the top four power rankings. The semi-pro teams in the East Division should never rise above fifth unless they have beaten at least one West Division team. And no, the Saskatchewan Roughriders do not count.
- TORONTO ARGONAUTS
Hey CFL, who handles the schedule? Because nobody goes to football games in Toronto, and making the team play on random Mondays is not making things any easier. What time are they playing on Monday? 7:30 am?
Are you numbskulls trying to kill off the Argonauts?
- MONTREAL ALOUETTES
These guys beat the Calgary Stampeders, and they are still ranked behind the Toronto Argonauts. That’s an outrage. Outrage! It’s enough to drive Nik Lewis to eat that entire chocolate cake in the fridge. Oops, he already did. Damn, Nik.
- SASKATCHEWAN ROUGHRIDERS
I have nothing to say here. Nothing!
Well, one thing. If you lose to the worst team in the league, then you are the worst team in the league, and the Stampeders are not the worst team in the league, so they will not be losing to the Roughriders. Especially not at home.
- OTTAWA REDBLACKS
The aforementioned Jamie Nye points out in his Panic article at cfl.ca that the RedBlacks have been very close to winning their games. If you substitute RedBlacks with Roughriders, his article could have been written last year about the Roughriders around this same time.
One thing you learn from being an older member of Rider Nation is that lousy teams lose close games. The Roughriders have been doing it for years. When the Roughriders were at or near the top of the league (for instance, 2007 to 2014 and a half), they beat the lousy teams, sometimes barely. But they still beat the lousy teams because those teams were lousy.
At the professional level, there is not a huge difference between the good teams and the lousy teams. They all play at a certain baseline level of competence. However, lousy professional football teams lose close games. That’s what they do. They’re lousy.
I am trying to say that Ottawa is a lousy football team.
And the Saskatchewan Roughriders.
- HAMILTON TIGER-CATS
Speaking of lousy teams, Hamilton Tiger-Cats. At least no refs got hurt last week.