NOT THE CFL NISSAN TITAN POWER RANKINGS: 2017 WEEK 4

Dear Hamilton Tiger-Cats,

If you can’t beat the worst team in the league, you are the worst team in the league.

Yours truly,

The Football Gods

And that is that.

PS – Stop assaulting refs.

The CFL Power Rankings should be divided into two divisions just like the league itself.  Sooner or later the top five spots will all be western teams and the bottom four spots will be the semi-pro teams down east.  Dividing the power rankings into two divisions will keep the eastern monkeys interested for a little longer.

For now, both the “Staff” over at cfl.ca and Mr. Cullen over at tsn.ca have placed the Toronto Argonauts at fourth, but I assume that was done at the behest of their Toronto-centric media overlords.  7-11 has no dog in this fight so I am under no similar pressure to push any particular agenda by my paymaster.

Let’s review this week’s Nissan Titan Power Rankings by the “Staff” at cfl.ca.

  1. CALGARY STAMPEDERS

This machine just keeps grinding along.

During games, they should set up little cubicles on the Stampeder sidelines, where the players not on the field can sit at workstations in front of computers preparing PowerPoint presentations or surfing expedia.ca checking out how much four days in Vegas would cost at random times of the year.  Get it?  Just another day at the office.  Working in cubicles and…?  No?  Nothing? Ugh, you people are impossible.

  1. EDMONTON ESKIMOS

The “Staff” moves the Eskimos up one rank this week merely because the team did nothing last week.

Woody Allen allegedly said that “Showing up is 80 percent of life.”  He also married his own daughter, so I guess he might be right, if marrying your own daughter is one measure of success.

Anyway, the Eskimos didn’t even show up last week and they rose one place in the rankings.  That’s the true secret to life:  don’t even show up.  I told my boss last week that it was my bye week.  He fired me.  Obviously not a fan of the CFL.

  1. BRITISH COLUMBIA LIONS

The 2017 Wally Buono Magical Mystery Retirement Tour continues, with his team inexplicably winning almost all the time.

  1. TORONTO ARGONAUTS

Seriously?

Fourth?

Whatever….

  1. OTTAWA REDBLACKS

The RedBlacks dropped precipitously, but they deserved it.  Losing to Toronto? That’s like losing to Saskatchewan.

At least when you lose to the Eskimos this week, you will still respect yourselves in the morning.

  1. WINNIPEG BLUE BOMBERS

Losing to the Stampeders last week is nothing to worry about, and the good news is that you get the Toronto Argonauts this week.  Yay!  That’s should vault the Boring Bombers into fourth place in the power rankings next week.

  1. SASKATCHEWAN ROUGHRIDERS

The “Staff” at cfl.ca placed the Roughriders at seventh just for winning one game against the worst team in the league.  Right now, when you play the Tiger-Cats, showing up is 80 percent of football.

Well, the Roughriders do not deserve to be ranked higher than the Montreal Alouettes…  yet.  The wheels have not completely fallen off Montreal.  I predict they trade Mr. Durant to Saskatchewan by week ten.

The Roughriders will be pounded into oblivion by the Calgary Stampeders on July 22, but during the Roughriders’ bye week this week, Montreal will get destroyed by Calgary and Hamilton will be demolished by British Columbia, so those two teams won’t be going anywhere next week in the power rankings.  Hence, the Roughriders will get to enjoy another week at number 7 until the bottom drops out on July 22 at McMahon.

Kevin Glenn continues to reside near the top of several 2017 statistical categories, but he also continues to lead in the one statistic that the CFL does not track:  interceptions at just absolutely The. Worst. Time.  He’s the king.  You know he’s the king because the fellows over at TSN never shut up about how good he is at shrugging off interceptions. That’s like admiring the veteran savvy of a linebacker who keeps missing tackles.

Before anyone thinks I don’t like Mr. Glenn, you know who also threw a lot of interceptions?  Some guy named Ron Lancaster.  Look it up.

While you’re looking up the top ten most passing interceptions list, please note that Mr. Glenn is the only active quarterback on that list.  But it’s one hell of a list.

  1. MONTREAL ALOUETTES

They don’t deserve to be placed behind the Roughriders, but deserver’s got nothing to do with it (credit Clint Eastwood, Unforgiven).

  1. HAMILTON TIGER-CATS

I was wrong about this team.  I thought they would beat the doleful Saskatchewan Roughriders last week.  Instead, they tried to beat up a ref.

If losing to the Roughriders caused this team to rough up a referee, may I suggest that the referees at this week’s game against the Stampeders wear body armour.  It could get ugly.

One final word about this whole ref thing.  Leave the refs alone.  Heaping abuse on them is the job of the loyal fans of the CFL.  We need something to do.

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