Duron Carter. Duron Carter. Duron Carter. Blah, blah, blah. Duron Carter. Blah-blah, blah-blah-blah. And in conclusion, Duron Carter, blah, blah, blah. Thank you and good night.
I’m sure Trent Richardson is wondering what the hell he has gotten himself mixed up in. Circus Maximus, perhaps? Or maybe the beginning of an unlikely rollicking history-making shit-show ride all the way to victory on November 26? Sounds like fun. I’m in.
Anyway, now that we have that unpleasantness behind us, let’s move along.
Anyone seen the October 17th CFL Simulation over at cfl.ca?
The Saskatchewan Roughriders apparently have a 99.95% chance of making the playoffs and the British Columbia Lions have a 0.05% chance of making the playoffs. I know what the British Columbia Lions (and Glen Suitor) are thinking: So you’re sayin’ there’s a chance.
If there was ever a team in the history of the CFL who could fuck up those odds, it is the Saskatchewan Roughriders.
Okay boys, here’s the plan for missing the 2017 playoffs.
First, let’s get a former Roughrider legend to say something mean about one of the current players to start a twitter war among Rider Nation. Mr. Fairholm, would you take care of that? Excellent. And could you tweet this insult right when that current Roughrider is having one of the best games of his career? Thanks a million.
Second, let’s take a demoralizing and embarrassing loss at home to a team that we dominated for 95% of the game, in all phases of the game.
Third, after the aforesaid loss, let’s start with a fight between teammates at practice. Duron, you’ve had some experience with that; you’re in charge there. Check!
Fourth, let’s have a Roughrider drop a vague twitter message overnight so that Rider Nation can go crazy and a few Bomber and Stampeder fans can put in their two bits, just to make Rider Nation go batshit crazy for a good 24 hours. Again, Mr. Carter, I think you’ve got this.
Fifth, we’ll need some sports reporter who I’ve never heard of before, who apparently is a pretty big deal, or something, to provide an account of what happened at practice and the fallout, but it has to completely blow the whole fight out of all proportion and turn out to be completely inaccurate as to the fallout of that fight. We’ll just throw the doors open for a volunteer.
Sixth, let’s force Rider Nation to wait until Tuesday afternoon to get a team statement as to what the hell just happened, and make sure the practice remains closed to the media so they don’t pick up any hints. Perfect!
Seventh, on Tuesday afternoon, have your head coach and general manager provide a completely vague answer to the assembled press about whether Duron Carter is going to play on Friday in Calgary, and stonewall on everything else so that everyone is even more curious and confused as to what happened and those pesky fans who live and die on every shred of information about their beloved Roughriders can fret even longer about an altercation that we are to believe was no big deal at all.
Welcome to Riderville! Everything and everyone is crazy. And I’ll be at the game on Friday.
Anyway, back to the CFL Simulation at cfl.ca. I’m confused.
I’m not sure that the “Odds to Win the East/West” is supposed to mean. I can only assume it means the odds to end up in first after the regular season in each division, respectively, but if you end up in first, but lose the division final, did you really “win” the division?
Hmmm, while we mull that over, let’s move on.
The odds to appear in the Grey Cup are interesting. The Saskatchewan Roughriders apparently have a better chance of appearing in the Grey Cup than the Winnipeg Blue Bombers or the Edmonton Eskimos, even though both those teams are currently higher in the standings than the Roughriders. This makes sense since this would mean that someone has figured out that the crossover is an easier path to the Grey Cup for the western teams not named the Calgary Stampeders, and the Roughriders are more likely to end up in the crossover position. So I’m good with this. Then it gets a little weird.
Even though the Saskatchewan Roughriders have better odds than the Winnipeg Blue Bombers to appear in the Grey Cup, the Winnipeg Blue Bombers have better odds of winning the Grey Cup. Huh?
I guess the numbers don’t lie, but I’d say the only lesson here is: don’t bet on the CFL.
Anyway, on to the Nissan Titan Power Rankings, brought to you by the Nissan Titan, the titan of trucks!
And incidentally, the original Titans were ultimately defeated by their children, the Olympians, so if any of the other car manufacturers were on the ball, they would come up with a truck called the Olympian. The ads would write themselves.
I always preferred the Titan names to the Olympian names. Who can beat names like Cronos, Atlas and Prometheus? And let’s not forget that Cronos and his gang ultimate beat Uranus. Get it? Beat Uranus? See, Uranus sounds like your anus. You know, like, your bum.
Nothing? Ugh, you people are impossible. Go back to bitching on twitter about some damned thing or another.
- CALGARY STAMPEDERS
If you want to be the man, you have the beat the man (credit Ric Flair). The Saskatchewan Roughriders have a chance to beat the man this week.
- WINNIPEG BLUE BOMBERS
This team is boring. So are the Calgary Stampeders. I’m sensing a pattern here.
- SASKATCHEWAN ROUGHRIDERS
Well, this team is not boring.
Anyway, this is it, folks. This is the one special game of the season when the Saskatchewan Roughriders have no chance. Nothing. Zilch! Nada! They are not going to beat the Calgary Stampeders, at home no less, after a punch in the nuts loss last week, after all this internal turmoil this week, with injuries to their top receiver and top offensive lineman, with a star player who may or may not be disgruntled, and who may or may not be playing, with a quarterback who has either been shaky or injured for most of the last few games, and with a horde of agitated fans who don’t know whether to be mad at the team or love it even more.
There is no way this team is coming out of the trash pile called McMahon Stadium with a win. Nope. Not gonna happen. Never in a million years.
And that’s why the Saskatchewan Roughriders are going to win.
In the immortal words of John Hufnagel: We’ve got them where we want them.
By the way, how many times have we heard this season that Chad Owens will finally be playing, and yet he never does. Maybe this week is Mr. Owens’ lucky game.
- EDMONTON ESKIMOS
Matthew Cauz over at cfl.ca is jumping on the Eskimo bandwagon. I know because he’s got an article up called “Why I’m Jumping on the Eskimo Bandwagon.” Reading between the lines, I think he’s jumping on the Eskimo bandwagon.
The last thing we need is a stumbling, bumbling Eskimo team forcing the Saskatchewan Roughriders to play in the West Division playoffs. As long as the Eskimos keep winning, the Roughriders can keeping winning and still get a crossover. There is that pesky last game of the season in Regina between the Eskimos and the Roughriders. Hopefully, both teams can win their next two games and then the final game can be a tie or something, just to keep the Roughriders firmly in fourth place, I think.
Incidentally, I googled “Eskimo bandwagon” and the following passage appeared on the first page of the search: “We had a beautiful white Arabian horse, three white Eskimo Spitz dogs, and two highly trained Monkeys.” Highly trained monkeys, you say?
That’s immediately what comes to mind when someone mentions an Eskimo bandwagon: two highly trained monkeys.
And here’s something. When I type “eskimo” without a capital “E”, my Word spellcheck offers three corrections: skim, skimp and skims. It does not even suggest “Eskimo”. Perhaps my spellcheck is trying to be politically correct by avoiding the use of a term that is regarded by some as culturally insensitive. That’s spellcheck for you; always thinking of the little guy.
- OTTAWA REDBLACKS
- TORONTO ARGONAUTS
It’ll be three in a row for the Argos this week!
- BRITISH COLUMBIA LIONS
According to Dave Naylor at tsn.ca, British Columbia Lions owner David Braley is going to be selling the team. He is apparently holding out for about $20 million and one of the interested groups is willing to pay $14 to $15 million.
Who knew you could get anything for the British Columbia Lions? I thought Mr. Braley was still the owner because he couldn’t give the team away. Isn’t owning the Lions (or the Argonauts, or the Alouettes, or the Stampeders, or the Tiger-Cats, or the Redblacks) just a license to lose money?
I can only assume that the price tag is what the league insists upon in order to confirm that potential purchasers have the financial wherewithal to be able to suffer catastrophic financial losses for as long as they own the team. If you can afford to pay millions to buy the team, you can afford to lose millions owning the team, I guess.
Oh, and by the way, the odds of the British Columbia Lions appearing in the 2017 Grey Cup? Less than 0.01%. The odds of the British Columbia Lions winning the 2017 Grey Cup? Same: less than 0.01%. If the odds are the same, does that mean that if they appear in the Grey Cup, they will win the Grey Cup? Yes. That is exactly what that means.
- HAMILTON TIGER-CATS
This is what I wrote about the Tiger-Cats around week two this year:
Ugh. What is the matter with this team? Are we going to have to put up with another season where they stink until around week nine, and then see if they can catch enough momentum to do something in the playoffs? I guess so.
Well, we have our answer.
- MONTREAL ALOUETTES
The Week 19 game against the Saskatchewan Roughriders will likely be the game that the Roughriders will win to clinch their entry into the 2017 CFL playoffs. I’m sure Darian Durant will be delighted.
In the meantime, the Alouettes are playing the Tiger-Cats this week to determine the worst team in the CFL. I predict a tie. What the hell; why not?