NOT THE CFL NISSAN TITAN POWER RANKINGS: 2017 WEEK 16

There is a clip up at tsn.ca with Dave Naylor giving a “breakdown” of the C.J. Gable trade.  It looks like Mr. Naylor hasn’t shaved in weeks and is going through some kind of breakdown himself.  He looks like a cross between Argonaut quarterback Ricky Ray and actor Giovanni Ribisi after stumbling out of an alley on Vancouver’s Hastings Street.  Geez man, pull yourself together.  This whole Gable trade has you really messed up.

As pointed out by the “Staff” at cfl.ca, there was no “movement” in the Power Rankings so we can all do a lot of “cut and paste” this week. Excellent.  Now I’ll have more time to finish my diorama of McMahon Stadium.  It looks like shit, but so does my diorama.

My review of the Week 16 CFL Nissan Titan Power Rankings is as follows.

  1. CALGARY STAMPEDERS

I have nothing to add here.  Well, just a little.

The Calgary Stampeders are clearly the best team in the league right now although I’m already on record as saying things are going too smoothly, so they won’t win the Grey Cup this year. I’m sure that this is a terribly worrisome prediction for everyone in the Stampeder organization, especially Mr. Bo Levi Mitchell.  He strikes me as a guy with a very fragile self-confidence.

Speaking of Mr. Bo Levi Mitchell, I still do not understand his name.  Would it be Mr. Levi Mitchell?  Or would it be Mr. Mitchell.  I don’t know what the “Levi” is doing in the middle of his name.  Does it go with the “Bo” part or the “Mitchell” part?

I would understand the name if he was an assassin, since they all get three names, like Lee Harvey Oswald or James Earl Ray or John Wilkes Booth.

Or maybe Bo Levi Mitchell is kind of an assassin in the sense that he assassinates opposing defenses.  Cool.  I’m going with that.

Anyway, this week the Calgary Stampeders, having run out of teams to beat, get the bye.  I guess they’ll just have to beat themselves.

Uhthankyouverymuch.

  1. WINNIPEG BLUE BOMBERS

Mr. Nye over at cfl.ca, in his Weekly Predictor column (or Weakly Predictor; am I right ladies?), points out that “the Hamilton Tiger-Cats have certainly turned into a team you don’t want to play down the home stretch.”  May I suggest that the Winnipeg Blue Bombers have turned into a team you don’t ever want to play.  Cripes.  And yes, Calgary Stampeders, I’m looking at you because you’re gonna have your hands full in the West Division final when these Blue Bombers come to town.

Don’t let that last statement make you think I don’t hate the Blue Bombers any more.  I still hate them.  I also hate the Calgary Stampeders.  So my hope is that the Stampeders and Bombers will both lose the West Division Final. I have a theory on how that would work but it doesn’t make any sense so I’m keeping it to myself for now.

  1. SASKATCHEWAN ROUGHRIDERS

The Roughriders scraped past the quarterback-less Ottawa Redblacks last week.  Some might see that as a sign the Roughriders are not very good.  I see that as a sign that they are very good.

Good teams find ways to win even when their front four are playing like a bunch of babies for most of the game and their quarterback looks like he’s throwing with his wrong hand for half the game.  The Roughriders won anyway, and that makes them a very good team.

The Calgary Stampeders and Winnipeg Blue Bombers are the best teams in the CFL right now, and they barely scraped past a lot of crappy opponents this year, but they still won. That makes them very good.  The Roughrider have entered “very good” territory by scraping past the Redblacks.  Maybe not elite, but very good.

Good teams win ugly and bad teams lose ugly. I’m looking at you, Hamilton Tiger-Cats; that nutty pass interference penalty last week was U-G-L-Y ugly.

Notwithstanding my above “very good” diagnosis, the Roughriders are due for a dispiriting loss.  Why, you ask?  Because they are the Saskatchewan Roughriders, that’s why.  And if I have to explain that, then you wouldn’t understand.

Mr. Nye predicts a Toronto Argonaut victory against the Roughriders this week. I hope he is right.  These dumb Roughriders need to drop back into fourth place and then stay there until the end of the season.

Apropos of nothing, really, I have a theory.  Saskatchewan Roughrider General Manager, Head Coach and Mafia Capo Chris Jones is pulling in former prominent NFL players because he wants to show that he can coach NFL-calibre players.  This is part of Mr. Jones’ long-term career goal of becoming an NFL head coach.  I have no problem with him aspiring to the NFL. I don’t have any problem with him bringing in former NFL players.  I don’t know what my point is.

  1. TORONTO ARGONAUTS

That new guy–James Wilder Jr.–reminds me of Cory Sheets. It remains to be seen whether he will have further success beyond his rather explosive start.  I have observed, as an uninformed and ignorant outsider, that new players will often make an impact until opposing teams have some film on them, and then these upstarts quickly fade.  I wish Mr. Wilder Jr. nothing but continued success, except this week.

The weakness in the Roughriders’ defense seemed to be exposed by the Ottawa Redblacks last week when, in the first half of the game, Ottawa was able to run the ball right down the Roughriders’ throats.  However, I was delighted to see the Roughriders make some adjustments and shut the run down in the latter part of the game.

(I was also delighted to see how the Roughrider defense went into shut down mode after TSN’s Glen Suitor, for whom I have nothing but the utmost respect, or whatever, pointed out how the players were all standing around with their hands on the hips looking tired.  The players seemed to have heard him and collectively decided that they were going to show everyone how not tired they really were.  Remember: in Riderville, it’s always darkest before the dawn.)

Anyway, we’ll see whether the Roughriders can continue to shut down the run against the aforementioned Mr. Wilder Jr.

The problem is that Argonaut quarterback and Zoloft spokesmodel Ricky Ray has traditionally had a field day against the Roughriders, so between the twin evils of Wilder Jr. and Ray Sr., I would still focus on shutting down the pass.  Let the Argonauts work for every inch of real estate via a plodding ground game, rather than letting Mr. Ray light it up.

Or do what the Saskatchewan Roughriders would normally do: get inexplicably blown out giving up 500 yards passing and 500 yards rushing.

  1. EDMONTON ESKIMOS

The Eskimos face the Montreal Alouettes this week, and this game will determine whether the Eskimos are really as bad as their 6-game losing streak suggests.

I figure that the Eskimos were never as good as their 7-game winning streak suggested, nor are they as bad as their current 6-game losing streak suggests–unless they lose to Montreal. If they lose, then they are most definitely as bad as their 6-game losing streak suggests.

If you can’t beat the worst team in the league, then you are the worst team in the league.

  1. HAMILTON TIGER-CATS

The CFL has confirmed it blew the pass interference call last Saturday night.  Well, that should be a huge relief to the Hamilton Tiger-Cats, who were awarded two compensation points in the East Division standings by CFL Commissioner Randy Ambrosie.  Wait, what?  No compensation points?  So… what…?

  1. BRITISH COLUMBIA LIONS

I read at cfl.ca that Lions’ head coach Wally Buono “said he could be prompted to stay another year should the team continue to struggle”. Who exactly would prompt Mr. Buono to stay?  Perhaps Lions’ General Manager Wally Buono.

The two men are going to sit down at the end of the season to decide Mr. Buono’s future.  Mr. Buono indicated that he was inclined to stick around but Mr. Buono was more circumspect, indicating that he wanted to consult his family.

“I’m of two minds,” said Mr. Buono, to which Mr. Buono replied, “I’m ambivalent.”

  1. OTTAWA REDBLACKS

Mr. Nye over at cfl.ca wrote that “the good news for the Ottawa REDBLACKS is Trevor Harris appears ready to return….”  And?  And?  What’s the bad news?  You can’t just go with good news.  That’s not how it works.  One always goes with the other.  Good news, then the bad news, or vice versa.

If you are going to be that way, Mr. Nye, then let me complete that sentence:

The good news for the Ottawa REDBLACKS is Trevor Harris appears ready to return. The bad news for the Ottawa REDBLACKS is they are a crappy team that will never in a million years beat the Lions in BC this Friday with or without Trevor Harris.

That’s pretty bad news.

And one more thing.  Why does REDBLACKS get the all-caps treatment at cfl.ca?  No other team is the STAMPEDERS or the ARGONAUTS.  TSN.ca doesn’t all-cap the Redblacks. I want an answer!

Actually I don’t care.

  1. MONTREAL ALOUETTES

Montreal General Manager and Interim Head Coach Kavis Reed has officially taken over the title of Sourest-Looking Person in the CFL from perennial title-holder Jock Climie. Mr. Reed has the most dispirited look on his face at all times during all Alouette games.

Now look, I get it; your team is for shit.  But you’re the General Manager and Head Coach.  You can’t stand around looking like you want to cry.  Good god man, pull yourself together!  Who do you think you are; Dave Naylor?

What are the players supposed to think if their leader looks like he knows he’s the coach of the lousiest team in the CFL? They’ll think they are playing on the lousiest team in the CFL.

As always, future Hall of Famer Wally Buono should be your example.  No matter how bad things are going, no matter how badly the team is playing, no matter how bleak the season looks, just stare off into space like you just downed a forty of whisky and it’s starting to hit you.

And Mr. Reed, if you can’t pull that look off, then you should actually down a forty of whisky before the game and let it work its magic.  It’s not like it will make any difference whether you are sober during the game, or even conscious.

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