CFL WEEKLY PREDICTOR: WEEK 15, ELECTRIC BOOGALOO

I just read that Roughriders quarterback Kevin Glenn is one win away from passing antichrist Tom Clements for ninth on the CFL all-time career win list.  I hate Mr. Clements because 1976, so anything that further buries Mr. Clements deeper down any CFL records or statistics is a good thing. A very good thing.

I suppose I should hate Tony Gabriel even more.

Mr. Gabriel was not only involved in the most dastardly play in Grey Cup history, a play that shall live in infamy, November 28, 1976, but he had previously carved up the Roughriders in the fourth quarter of the 1972 Grey Cup, thus allowing Ian Sunter (what kind of name is Sunter, anyway?) to kick a walk-off game winning field goal.

I’m getting angry just typing this.  I’ve got to calm down since one should never do CFL predictions whilst angry.  Nothing good will come of it. I’m liable to go off half-cocked and predict a Hamilton victory.  That’s crazy!

Saskatchewan Roughriders at Ottawa RedBlacks

Word on the street is that NFL refugee Ryan Lindley will be Ottawa’s starting quarterback tonight.  That’s not going to go well.  A Roughrider win is a foregone conclusion.  The only question is whether this will be a blowout or not.  I vote yes.

PICK: SASKATCHEWAN (100% in the bag)

Montreal Alouettes at Calgary Stampeders

It’s looking like this might be Nik Lewis’s final appearance at McMahon as a professional athlete (he might be back as part of the Up With People! world tour).  I’m sure it will be a terribly enjoyable experience for Mr. Lewis, assuming he does not mind his team getting blown out.  If he does mind his team getting blown out, then this will not be a happy day.

This could be another one of those patented Calgary Stampeder 60-1 games.

Mr. Jamie Nye over at cfl.ca is predicting a Calgary Win with 99% confidence. One percent just happens to be the percentage chance the entire starting lineup of the Calgary Stampeders will suddenly be struck by lightning immediately prior to game time.

PICK: CALGARY (100% cotton sheets)

Toronto Argonauts at Hamilton Tiger-Cats

Hey Toronto, enjoy the evening.  Go out there and pound the worst team in the league for 60 minutes, ‘cause next week you get the Saskatchewan Roughriders, and they’re not so accommodating.

PICK: TORONTO (50% body fat)

Winnipeg Blue Bombers at Edmonton Eskimos

I’m not going to predict who is going win here because I don’t know what I’m talking about.  However, I’m gonna tell you who I want to win:  Edmonton.

If the Eskimos don’t start winning, the Saskatchewan Roughriders are going to catch and then pass them.  That will mean that the Roughriders will end up in third place at the end of the season, and that means they will have to play the Blue Bombers and then, if they are “lucky”, the Stampeders, in the CFL West Division playoffs. Screw that!

I realize that I’m starting to sound like a broken record, but the Roughriders are playing too well right now, and the last thing they need to do is end up in third place in the West.  Fourth place is what you want, guys.  Fourth.  Place.  Stay in fourth place, and the Grey Cup awaits!  Third place, and next year awaits.

So Edmonton, you need to do your part here.  This is a team effort.  Beat Winnipeg.

PICK: EDMONTON (100% sure I do not want the Saskatchewan Roughriders to end up in third place in the CFL West Division, for chrissakes! I can’t stress this enough! Fourth place! Fourth!)

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