This year, my only power ranking rule is this: If you can’t beat the worst team in the league, then you are the worst team in the league. Hence, any team that loses to the Saskatchewan Roughriders must immediately be moved to last place in the power rankings.
I think I’m starting to understand the difference between Mr. Cullen’s power rankings at tsn.ca and the “Staff” power rankings at cfl.ca. Mr. Cullen seems to take a long view of things and the “Staff” immediately jumps on or off any bandwagon no matter how rickety (or sturdy).
Mr. Cullen established his bona fides last season, so I’m generally with him unless he does something stupid this year, like rank the Saskatchewan Roughriders higher than six at any point. That would be an obvious mistake and cause for immediate dismissal.
Anyway, using the “Staff” Nissan Titan Power Rankings over at cfl.ca as our guide, here is this week’s power rankings for the good ole’ CF of L (credit Bob Hughes).
- CALGARY STAMPEDERS
Either the Stampeders and RedBlacks are both lousy this year, or they are both pretty good. My heart wants to say these are two crappy teams who made each other look good last week, but my head says that my heart is an asshole and needs to keep his big fat mouth shut.
Last week’s game reminded me of the 2010 season opener between the Roughriders and Alouettes. Back then, the Roughriders and Alouettes were at the height of their powers, trading haymakers back and forth. It was glorious; a far cry from the doleful proceedings we witnessed last week.
Anyway, until someone beats the Stampeders, they are the presumptive number one in any sensible power rankings. If you want to be the man, you have the beat the man (credit Ric Flair).
- OTTAWA REDBLACKS
This team kept up with the Calgary Stampeders last week, so they get the number two position this week. My heart wants to say that last week’s game was a sign that the mighty Stampeders are faltering, but my head says that seriously my heart should just shut its pie hole before I shine my boot up real nice, turn it sideways, and shove it up your candy ass (credit The Rock).
- EDMONTON ESKIMOS
This team appeared to be reasonably competent last week. Reasonably competent is all you need to be in order to beat the Montreal Alouettes, so it is safe to say the Eskimos should probably win their game this week, and third place in the power rankings is thusly warranted. For now.
- BRITISH COLUMBIA LIONS
A surprising loss to open the season. Hmm. What does this mean? Probably nothing. Or everything.
- TORONTO ARGONAUTS
After one win, the “Staff” have climbed aboard the Argo bandwagon, albeit not without some good reason given the career performance of Mr. Ray. Can a bandwagon take on water?
Eventually, the “sailing” metaphor currently being used at cfl.ca will turn into the “taking on water” metaphor that arrives with the tedious inevitability of an unloved season (credit Hugo Drax).
Mr. Cullen takes a more balanced view, sagely suggesting that we should not get too excited: “let’s see them do it again before deciding that they are now good.”
I say “they” are not “good”, and the British Columbia Lions will murderize the Argos this week. Or not. It’s too early to tell. I figure the Argos are terrible, but if Mr. Ray is going to play like that all season, it might be enough. By the way, I saw Mr. Ray smile during the game. He should see a doctor about that.
- WINNIPEG BLUE BOMBERS
Whatever. This team is so boring, I don’t even recall them playing last week.
- MONTREAL ALOUETTES
This team almost lost to the worst team in the Canadian Football League last week. This week they get the British Columbia Lions, which are not (who are not?) the worst team in the league.
I say that the Alouettes will float back down to number eight after this week. They’ll stay in eighth place as long as the Riders don’t start acting weird and begin winning games.
- HAMILTON TIGER-CATS
Ugh. What is the matter with this team? Are we going to have to put up with another season where they stink until around week nine, and then see if they can catch enough momentum to do something in the playoffs? I guess so.
- SASKATCHEWAN ROUGHRIDERS
I predicted that the Roughriders’ best chance of winning a game this season was last week and Mr. Durant wouldn’t let them do that. I’m not really sure that Mr. Durant was the reason that the Roughriders lost, but a loss is a loss. Call it a moral defeat.
This week it’s inevitable that the Roughriders will put on a spectacular show for their fans at the new Mosaic Stadium: Playground of the Gods! It’s obvious!
Of course, that’s when the Roughriders typically perform the worst: when expectations are high. It’s just a historical fact. You can’t fight history. And you’ll never go broke betting against the Roughriders (except for the 2013 Grey Cup).
And here’s the real reason that the Roughriders will lose. The Blue Bombers have film on the Roughriders and the Roughriders have no film on the Blue Bombers. And the Roughriders are crappy.
This week it will be Weston Dressler who gets to play the role of former beloved Roughrider who beats up the Roughriders. Look for him to get 200 yards and three touchdowns.