The CFL, its nine teams and adidas (not “Adidas”) unveiled the allegedly much anticipated new apparel collection, continuing the league’s controversial revolving-door uniform and branding policy. This latest entirely new collection, consisting of jerseys, sideline apparel and a fan-friendly (i.e. XXXL) adidas Originals clothing line, is intended to represent the team uniforms for the upcoming 2016 CFL pre-season.
“This is just for the pre-season. We’ll be unveiling another entirely different set of uniforms at the start of the regular season,” said CFL Commissioner and Lord of the Rings hobbit extra Jeffrey Orridge. “That will be followed by the mid-season launch of our fall line, which will segue into our winter collection just in time for the 2016 playoffs. And we don’t rule out distinctive jerseys for special events like Opening Day, Labour Day, birthdays, bar mitzvahs and cleaning out the garage.”
The Roughriders have added four green stripes down the side of their pants, representative of their four Grey Cup Championships. Toronto and Edmonton tried to do the same thing but players’ legs are not long enough. WR Rob Bagg, looking like a jacked-up Val Kilmer ready to kill and eat a gazelle, was one of many CFL players featured in the new uniforms.
Weston Dressler was pictured in Bombers blue with a look on his face that made it clear even he couldn’t believe he was playing for the fucking Winnipeg Blue Bombers (…for chrissakes…).
Edmonton Eskimos quarterback Mike Reilly was shown wearing the so-called lifestyle gear, being a set of pajamas expected to appeal, and sell briskly, to those CFL fans who want their team affiliation to be clear when their bodies are discovered decomposing in their basement after failing to show up for work after three weeks. For the high class CFL fan, adidas is offering a “jacket and sweatpants combo”, which adidas officials privately concede is merely a weird set of button-up pajamas with pockets.
“Our marketing research showed us that CFL fans want clothes that can be worn for months straight, day and night, are plenty loose in the waist but don’t fall right off, and won’t show up food stains on the chest or crotch,” said a despondent adidas spokesman. “Especially the crotch.”
“That’s what our marketing research showed us,” he repeated. “Our CFL fan focus group was very specific about that. The crotch.”
LB Simoni Lawrence was sporting Hamilton’s version of the button-ups, looking like a guy standing at a bus stop waiting for the 11:45 pm to take him to 7-11 hoping they might sell toilet plungers. (writer’s note: this didn’t happen to me or anything).
When asked why the CFL cannot stick to one set of uniforms for more than a few months, CFL Commissioner Orridge was philosophical: “Money. And… yeah. Money.”
Retailers and online suppliers report that they are already sold out of the new Roughrider gear. “The pajamas were the first to go,” said one adidas official, speaking on the condition of anonymity, “but we’ve got plenty of Argo stuff left. Like, all of it.”