CFL WEEKLY PREDICTOR 2016: WEEK 5

I’m doing these CFL picks after the Stampeders pushed the Blue Bombers one game closer to Winnipeg’s annual pre-Labour Day housecleaning.  I would have predicted a Stampeder victory if I had my shit together this week and got these predictions out on time, so I’m claiming I’m already 1-1 this week.  I’ll be at Mosaic Stadium tonight for what will likely be a RedBlack victory, but who know.  That’s why they play the games, right?  We’ll just have to see.  It’s 70s night at Taylor Field!  That’s got to count for something.  As long as they focus upon the year 1970 right up to the last 2 minutes of the 1976 Grey Cup.  Those were the happy times.  I can’t remember what happened after that.  It`s just a blur of Edmonton Eskimo Grey Cup Victories.

CALGARY STAMPEDERS AT WINNIPEG BLUE BOMBERS

Okay, nobody thought the Bombers had a chance here, right.  I don’t think the Stamps are really all that good, but the Bombers are, like, 2016 Allouette bad.  They’re 1977-1987 Roughrider bad.  Or 1995 Roughrider bad.  Or 2015 Roughrider bad.  Bad.

What else is there to say?

Bad.

Calgary Stampeders over Winnipeg Blue Bombers

OTTAWA REDBLACKS AT SASKATCHEWAN ROUGHRIDERS

Everybody knows that the RedBlacks will win.  Here’s why.  They are currently the best team in the league and the Chris Jones-coached Roughriders haven’t won a game yet, and the Riders haven’t been any good since about midway through the 2014 season.  Everyone also knows that you cannot win in this league without a starting quarterback and the Riders’ starting quarterback is always injured.

Here’s why the Roughriders will win tonight anyway.  The current replacement for perennially injury alleged starting quarterback Darian Durant, Mitchell Gale, who himself is likely to be injured in a few weeks if not a few hours from now, is a half-decent quarterback with an outstanding arm.  More importantly, he has an outstanding receiving corps to which to throw, as well as an underused battering ram called Curtis Steele.  More importantly, the RedBlacks do not have enough useful video on Gale to be able to properly gameplan, and constantly blitzing is not a game plan (as the Roughriders found out last game, at least that’s what it seemed to me). Furthermore, the Roughriders are slowly cleaning up the problem causing the blown coverages each game.  And finally, the Roughriders are not supposed to win, so they will.

Actually, no.  They’ll still lose.  You’ll never go broke betting against the Roughriders.  I’ll be at the game tonight to watch this fiasco.  It won’t be a blow-out; just a casual curb-stomping. If you see a guy passed out face down in section 202, that’s me.  Actually, that doesn’t really narrow it down, so….

By the way, Rod Pedersen reports no panic in Riderville yet.  To be clear, Riderville is always in a state of panic.  He’s talking about Riderville panic, which is a whole different level of panic.  Imagine being at the 2012 Benghazi embassy attack and you have diarrhea but the bathrooms are all under Isis control. That’s kinda like Riderville panic, except with less diarrhea.  So, technically, Rod is correct, but that’s not saying much.

Ottawa RedBlacks over Saskatchewan Roughriders

HAMILTON TIGER-CATS AT EDMONTON ESKIMOS

Hamilton is doomed.  Nothing to see here.  Move along.

Edmonton Eskimos over Hamilton Tiger-Cats

MONTREAL ALLOUETTES AT TORONTO ARGONAUTS

Montreal is lousy. Toronto is good.  What’s the problem here?

Toronto Argonauts over Montreal Allouettes

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