CFL WEEKLY PREDICTOR 2016: WEEK 3

Some guy emailed me to accuse me of being drunk when I made my Week 3 picks.  He was looking at my 2015 Week 3 picks.  But I was drunk.  I remember the exact day.  I was lying in a dumpster outside of the 7-11 stealing Wi-Fi, with a bottle of Captain Morgan at my side….

Anyhooo, I have not actually predicted anything this season yet (except my annual Roughrider Grey Cup lock), having recently completed my one-month sentence for that whole moose-riding fiasco (he was asking for it), but given the demand expressed by my legions of readers (see above), I will belatedly commence my predictions three weeks into the 2016 regular CFL season.

It looks like TSN’s Chris Schultz has given up trying to predict CFL outcomes, likely due to the beating I consistently laid on him in my competing picks last year (hint: always bet against the Riders), so I will now turn my guns upon that prolific prognosticator of Canadian gridiron football, mighty Jamie Nye of CFL.CA.

Let’s dance, Mr. Nye, if that is your real name.

Winnipeg Blue Bombers at Hamilton Tiger-Cats

As Robert DeNiro would say, playing Al Capone in The Untouchables: “You got nothing; Nuh-thing!”  Winnipeg is doomed; they got nuh-thing.  Well, they have Weston Dressler, but, come on.

Jamie Nye says the Blue Bombers are getting a little “antsy” after dropping the first two games.  Replace “antsy” with “suicidal” and I agree.  Anyway, Nye goes with the Tiger-Cats and damn it, he’s right.  You win this round, Mr. Nye.

Hamilton Tiger-Cats over Winnipeg Blue Bombers

Toronto Argonauts at British Columbia Lions

I do not understand how the Lions are doing so well.  I also do not understand why Big Brother Canada keeps coming back each year.  Who the hell watches that?

The Toronto Argonauts apparently spent the last week in Regina, so in addition to having to fight off the West Coast Blues that always give the Lions an edge over any visiting team, the mind-numbing boredom of life in the Queen City will have caused the Argos to fall into a first quarter catatonic trance.  They will be out of the game by the half, still wondering why everyone drives so damn slow on Broad Street and what is the deal with all that greasy pizza. (By the way, the deal with the greasy pizza is it’s awesome. I’m looking at you, Houston Pizza.)

Mr. Nye is predicting another Lions victory, and he’s right again.

British Columbia Lions over Toronto Argonauts

Calgary Stampeders at Ottawa RedBlacks

Finally Mr. Nye stumbles; he’s going with the Stampeders.  Granted, he acknowledges this is just a hunch that goes against his better judgment, but it’s a mistake nevertheless.

Here’s why he’s going with the hunch.  Like everyone who follows Canadian football (except me; I’m awesome), Mr. Nye is viewing the 2016 Stampeders through the lens of the 2008 to 2015 Stampeders.  This Stampeder team is not that good.  It’s running on fumes and the goodwill created by eight years of excellent football.  But this team is wearing out.

Ottawa, well, I hate Ottawa because 1976, but they appear to be pretty good, so whatever.

Ottawa RedBlacks over Calgary Stampeders

Saskatchewan Roughriders at Edmonton Eskimos

You will never go broke betting against the Roughriders, especially when they are playing in Commonwealth Stadium.  Every year I show up at Commonwealth to watch the Riders and every year the team does not.  This year will be no different.

Mr. Nye points out that the Roughriders “head into Edmonton feeling quite confident, despite a double digit loss… to start the season.”  That statement more or less encapsulates the entire history of the Saskatchewan Roughriders and the entire province.  Inexplicable, misplaced, irrational confidence that flies in the face of indisputable facts, historical precedent and common sense.

The only reason this Rider team has a chance of winning is Coach Jones’ knowledge of the Eskimos, but it won’t be enough.  This newly manufactured team is still in the early stage of development that produces catastrophic unforced errors and bone-headed blunders.  I think the second half of the season will be different, but for now, it’s like watching an entire team of Kevin Glenns putting up great stats and looking like world-killers, but making just the exact wrong mistake at the just the exact wrong time.  And like most everyone who watches Kevin Glenn play, Rider Nation will continue to hope that this time, it will be different because it’s just so unfair.

Anyway, yeah, Riders lose.  I don’t even think it will be close into the fourth quarter, as Mr. Nye has opined.  It will be a boring, tedious affair, with at least one rain/lightning delay.  The final score might create the illusion of a contested game, but anyone who watched it will know that the Riders were never really in it.  Nevertheless, I will tie myself in knots watching and hoping I’m wrong.  And if the Riders win, I will edit this post so it looks like I picked the Riders all along.

Jamie Nye, who is a member of Rider Nation, typically picks the Roughriders out of a misguided sense of misguidedness.  He’s wised up, at least this week.

And just so we’re clear, I don’t think the Edmonton Eskimos are all that good, and I predict the August 26th Rider-Eskimo game will be a different story, but for now, it’s the Eskimos.

Edmonton Eskimos over Saskatchewan Roughriders

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