CFL WEEKLY PREDICTOR 2016: JAMIE NYE IS CRAZY

In his September 21 Weekly Predictor at CFL.CA, Jamie Nye predicts the Saskatchewan Roughriders will win and invites readers to call him crazy.  Well, mission accomplished, Mr. Crazy. I love that he gives this pick a 5% confidence rating.  Can 5% confidence really be called “confidence” at all?  Anyway, more on the Roughriders later.

TORONTO ARGONAUTS @ OTTAWA REDBLACKS

So Mr. Nye goes with the Forrest Gump “life is like a box of chocolates” thing here.  My problem is that most boxes of chocolate have labels which tell you what’s in the damned box.  And if the box is not labelled, what makes you think it’s chocolates at all?  It could be anything.  A bomb, even.  What, you just see a box and assume it has chocolates in it?  What kind of way is that to go through life?  The saying should be more like:

Life is like an unlabeled box, you never know if your hands will get blown off if you open it, so leave the damn thing alone, but if you must open it, call the police bomb disposal unit and get the robot to open the damned box, and if it turns out to be chocolates, read the damned card that comes with the chocolates and it will tell you what each chocolate is, if it’s so damned important to know whether it’s cherry or nougat or nut or whatever (what the hell is nougat anyway, really?), and if you have a nut allergy, just forget about chocolates altogether.  Geez.  Eat something else.  And if it is a bomb, well, it’s the robot that gets it, not you.  Safety first.

Anyway, back to the game, the Argonauts are not going to win this game, okay?  Just forget it.  They’ll make the playoffs because Coach Milanovich is a genius, but their quarterback situation is too unsettled right now.  Call me back when Drew takes control.

PICK: OTTAWA REDBLACKS (100% BOMB DISPOSAL UNIT)

BRITISH COLUMBIA LIONS @ EDMONTON ESKIMOS

For some reason, I think I hate these teams equally.  I don’t know why.  I should hate the Edmonton Eskimos the most for taking the Perennial Western Powerhouse position from the Saskatchewan Roughriders in the mid-1970s and never looking back (until Calgary snatched it away), but yet, BC Sucks.  We all know that.  Nothing personal; that’s just the way it is.

I know I shouldn’t let my irrational petty personal biases dictate my predictions, but really, that’s how I make all of my life’s choices, and I have nothing else to go on.  I don’t know anything about football and trying to pick winners in this league is a chump’s game.  Other than Calgary winning all the time and the Roughriders losing all the time, who knows what’s in store from week to week?  I don’t. Hell, I don’t even know if this unmarked box has any chocolates in it. But I can’t stand it; I’ve got to know what’s in there.  Wait, what?  A ThighMaster? They’re still a thing?

So okay, back to reality, if I have to make a choice, I’d say I probably hate the Eskimos more, and I’d love to see them miss the playoffs, and if the Roughriders have any chance of a cross-over, they have to overtake the Eskimos, so… go Lions?

PICK:  BRITISH COLUMBIA LIONS (5% LESS FAT)

WINNIPEG BLUE BOMBERS @ CALGARY STAMPEDERS

Who likes the Stampeders?  No one.  Who wants to see the Stampeders win?  No one.  Who thinks the Blue Bombers will beat them at McMahon?  No one.

PICK: CALGARY STAMPEDERS (100% POLYESTER)

HAMILTON TIGER-CATS @ SASKATCHEWAN ROUGHRIDERS

The “Waggle” podcast over at CFL.CA asks the question:  “With Popp out, is Durant next?”

First, I don’t see the connection.  Yes, I concede that Jim Popp and Darian Durant are both in the CFL, but after that… huh?  That’s like saying: With Brad Pitt out, is Jennifer Aniston next?  Yes, they work in the same industry, but there is just no connec– what a second! Oh. My. God.  It all suddenly makes sense. Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are the same person!  How did I not see that?  It’s so obvious.

Second, I don’t like podcasts because I can’t listen to them at work without everyone realizing I am not actually doing any work.  I prefer reading stuff so that it looks like I am working diligently at my desk as I stare intently at my computer screen, which is conveniently turned away from the office door.  In fact, I arranged my entire office so that no one can see I’m at the Drudge Report or the Daily Mail.  Otherwise, how will I know what stupid thing Trump said today or get the latest on Brad and Angie’s break-up?  I won’t.  Anyway, my point is that I did not listen to the podcast so I have no idea how James Cybulski and Davis Sanchez connect Popp and Durant, and it’s gonna stay that way. Ignorance, I love thee.

As for the Roughriders and Jamie Nye’s crazy prediction that they will beat the Hamilton Tiger-Cats, here’s the thing.  The Roughriders are still in “one step forward, two steps back” mode.  This is going to be another inexplicable loss for the Roughriders, and I figure a pretty bad one at that.  We are at the point in the CFL season where the relative competence of all the teams begins to narrow, so blow-outs are less likely to happen until they resume in the last two weeks when some teams are playing for nothing, but the Roughriders cannot afford any kind of loss at this point, so any kind of loss will be a bad one.

And, as always, you will never go broke betting against the Riders.

PICK:  HAMILTON TIGER-CATS (100% CRAZY)

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