CFL NISSAN TITAN POWER RANKINGS JULY 12: COLONOSCOPY EDITION

The “staff” over at CFL.CA have issued their CFL rankings, but who will rank the rankings? I guess that’s my job since no one else has the guts to do it.

Scott Cullen has also issued his own competing Power Rankings over at TSN.CA and, as usual, I question his sanity.  Granted, I question everyone’s sanity.  It’s literally the first thing I do upon meeting anyone new.  I ask them:  “Are you crazy?” Then I administer a Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) personality inventory followed by a Rorschach test and a concussion protocol, and then a colonoscopy.  I don’t really need to do the colonoscopy, but why take the chance? Who knows what you might find.

In order of the latest Nissan Titan Power Rankings, here are my terribly cogent and well thought out comments:

  1. OTTAWA REDBLACKS

Of course the RedBlacks are ranked first.  They are undefeated.  What kind of a nincompoop would rank any CFL team higher than the only undefeated team in the CFL?  What kind of sick, depraved lunatic would possibly name any other team in the league as #1 at this point, unless they had completely taken leave of their senses and totally forgotten the Grey Cup finalists from just a few months ago?  What foolish know-nothing illiterate would abandon any pretext of rational thought and… oh, what’s that you say? Scott Cullen?

Scott Cullen named the 1-1-1 Calgary Stampeders as the #1 team in the league.  They aren’t even the #1 team in their division, for chrissakes.

  1. EDMONTON ESKIMOS

The Champs belong at number 2.  I hate ‘em, but let’s be serious.  I recognize that they could have easily, and probably would have, lost if the Roughriders understood how to get one stinking yard, but still, these are the Grey Cup Champions.  Respect.

  1. CALGARY STAMPEDERS

The aforementioned Scott Cullen has ranked this team, this 1-1-1 team, at number one.  Shame!  Even this number 3 ranking should be considered shaky, and Scott Cullen is throwing them a Grey Cup parade.  Shame!

Here’s the only explanation I can come up with for any of this.  Mr. Cullen looked at the standings, saw that the Stamps’ record was 1-1-1, and decided that any team with that many 1s must be number 1.  And CFL.CA saw the same 1-1-1 record and decided that three 1s equals 3, and slotted them into the third spot. Voila!  Sense from nonsense.

  1. TORONTO ARGONAUTS

This team beat the Saskatchewan Roughriders at home and then pounded the undefeated Lions at home.  What do these guys need to do to get some real respect?  I vote colonoscopy.

  1. BRITISH COLUMBIA LIONS

The Lions will be beginning their long slide into oblivion this week when they run into the buzzsaw that is just firing up right now called the Saskatchewan Roughriders.  For now, the surprising 2-1 start has kept them afloat.  I predict a solid 2-7 by mid-season; colonoscopy to follow.

  1. WINNIPEG BLUE BOMBERS

Yes, Winnipeg won last week, but they ain’t gonna win this week.  Colonoscopy, followed by another colonoscopy for good measure.  You can never have too many colonoscopies.  Safety first!

Scott Cullen pointed out that the Bombers showed some “signs of life”.  Not exactly a ringing endorsement.  It’s like the team got hit by a bus and we’re all standing around trying to decide whether to call the ambulance or the morgue.  “Hmm, I can feel a pulse but if we wait a minute, we can probably cut out the middle man….”

  1. SASKATCHEWAN ROUGHRIDERS

Look, whatever.  The Roughriders are clearly a very good team that will need to go through a few growing pains before their inevitable domination of the league, so who cares where they are ranked right now.

  1. HAMILTON TIGER-CATS

Hamilton, what the hell is the matter with you?  Snap out of it!  You lost to the Blue Bombers!  Mr. Masoli, time to show what you got or it’s gonna be the colonoscopy for you.

  1. MONTREAL ALLOUETTES

Montreal lost two spots just by doing nothing last week.  That’ll serve ‘em right for taking a break so early in the season.  Stupid Allouettes.  I blame Obama.

CFL.CA referred to their “disintegrating receiving corps”.  Agreed; excellent mental picture.

Anyway, you know what this team needs, right?

A colonoscopy.

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