As I attempt to keep up each week with a review of the weekly power rankings posted over at TSN.CA and CFL.CA, the Sisyphean nature of this endeavor becomes more and more apparent. Nobody really knows what the hell is going to happen in this godforsaken league. Except, of course, that the Roughriders will lose. We can all get behind that, but that’s like shooting fish in a barrel. Or shooting oneself in the foot, which is a more apt comparison when talking about the Roughriders.
So what is going on in this dumb league this week? The Power Rankings tell all! Or not. Whatever. Let’s start with what the “staff” have to say over at CFL.CA.
Staff. Um’brother.
- CALGARY STAMPEDERS
Borr-ring!
Scott Cullen over at TSN.CA was way ahead of the curve on the Stampeders this year, consistently notching them at top spot or near the top even when their record did not entitle them to such high praise. Now that he and the Stampeders have made their point–yes, they are pretty good–it is getting pretty old, pretty fast. Who wants to watch a consistently good team win consistently? Not me. I want constant boobery, fluke wins, head-smacking losses and general incompetency over an extended period of time leading to mass firings and 20-20 hindsight told-you-so’s. That’s a real Canadian Football League team. (Writer’s note: I am a Roughriders’ fan.)
Anyway, nothing will change this week as the Stampeders get to pound on the Roughriders for a second consecutive game. This time, I predict a real whupping in front of a middling-sized crowd at Mosaic Stadium. We will hear the first boos from the Taylor Field attendees this week, followed by three hours of drunken radio callers, a well-written and intelligent hatchet job from Rob Vanstone over at The Leader-Post, and then a week of assurances from Roughrider staff and administration that there is nothing to panic about (or, about which to panic; do not, sir, end a sentence with a preposition). This will be followed by another loss (to the surging Hamilton Tiger-Cats led by that guy Collaros), and then the annual Labour Day turkey shoot, when hung-over Roughriders fans will wake up to find their team at 2-8 and effectively out of the playoffs by mid-season. Again.
Just so we are all clear, Riderville, there is nothing to panic about (or, about which to panic). Currently, the team is in the first half season of the first year of a methodical rebuilding program that has currently fallen under a spate of injuries to the offensive line, having just recovered from the annual quarterback injury, learning a complicated new defense, so Riderville should relax. But it won’t. We’re crazy.
Back to the Stampeders for a moment. Borr-ring!
- OTTAWA REDBLACKS
Hmmm… yeah, I guess number two makes sense, given the standings and last week’s win, but that was not the most convincing victory. This is more a situation in which there are really no other teams that look like they deserve number two, with the possible exception of the British Columbia Lions, but everyone hates them, so who cares? Lions suck! Hah!
At the beginning of the season I stated that I thought 2016 Henry Burris was the equivalent of 1977 Ron Lancaster. So far, that appears to be accurate, but I don’t remember Ron Lancaster blowing his stack and shitting all over CBC or CTV on live TV in 1977 (1970– well, that was a different story; it was F-this and F-that all season from the Little General). Anyway, my point is that Henry has given us all something to talk about, unlike the Calgary Stampeders (again, borr-ring!).
This week, if Burris drops the F-bomb, I say the RedBlacks need to be ranked number one, period. They should interview Burris every halftime, and he should be asked really insulting questions specifically designed to provoke him. Did your grandchildren enjoy watching you throw that interception? Did they have football when you were a child? Did dinosaurs have feathers?
It will be like Don Cherry; who knows what the hell will come out of Burris’ mouth? I smell ratings. Or that burrito I ate an hour ago.
- TORONTO ARGONAUTS
This is where CFL.CA and TSN.CA diverge, with CFL.CA taking the Argos here. Sorry kids, you’re wrong and Scott Cullen is right. The BC Lions deserve this spot right now. Somehow, CFL.CA thinks that beating the Winnipeg Blue Bombers this week will put the Argonauts into “elite company”. If beating a team that has missed the playoffs 6 of the last 7 seasons puts you in elite company, then… uh… I got nothing here. Just, no, it does not put you in elite company.
Actually no, I got something. If beating a team that has missed the playoffs 6 of the last 7 seasons puts you in elite company, then the Roughriders will be in elite company after Labour Day. Yahoo!
- BRITISH COLUMBIA LIONS
Jennings, Jennings, blah, blah, Jennings, Jennings. Are we done here? Yes.
Next!
- WINNIPEG BLUE BOMBERS
What? The Winnipeg Blue Bombers? Fifth? <Sputter> What the hell is going on over at CFL.CA? Are you people on drugs? Ugh, you people….
Now, Scott Cullen over at TSN.CA, who has earned a lot of credibility with his whole Stampeders-are-really-good thing, has placed Winnipeg much lower. He is correct, again.
I’m starting to think that Cullen knows what he’s talking about. Probably not, but I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt this week.
- EDMONTON ESKIMOS
I can’t say that I’m not enjoying the Eskimos’ current woes. That’s a double negative that means I am enjoying the Eskimos’ current woes. Relax, Edmonton, you get the Roughriders in two weeks again. That’s always good for what ails ya.
- HAMILTON TIGER-CATS
I got two words for you: Zach Collaros. That genius over at TSN.CA (Cullen again) ranks Hamilton fourth. Another good call. Austin + Collaros = First Place at the End of the Season. That climb begins now. CFL.CA has ranked Hamilton waaay too low here.
- MONTREAL ALOUETTES
This walking-dead team is weeks away from being moved east. The only losers Montreal fans will put up with are called the Canadiens, but only because they spell “Canadians” wrong.
This team received a temporary jolt after playing the Roughriders two weeks ago, but every team gets a temporary jolt after playing the Roughriders. However, here’s the difference between the hapless Roughriders and the hapless Alouettes. The Riders have an excuse; they’re rebuilding. The Alouettes; they’re just waitin’ to die.
PS – I still think Nik Lewis is awesome. And fat. Fat and sassy.
- SASKATCHEWAN ROUGHRIDERS
Here’s the thing this week. Everyone figures that the Roughriders’ respectable three quarters against the Stampeders last week, along with a return to Mosaic this week, signals a decent chance at winning this Saturday. Nope. The wheels are really gonna fall of this time, and Riderville will be none-too-pleased at the pathetic show the team will put on at Taylor Field.
I am still going to watch the game. I am still going to hope they win. I am still going to hang on every play. I am still going to be depressed when they lose. And I am still going to assume the Riders will turn it around this season, sneak into the playoffs, and hoist the Grey Cup in November. But I’m dumb. Dumb, I tell you! Dumb as a bag of hammers with Roughrider logos on the handle.
That’s pretty dumb.
But not borr-ring!