In a surprising break from tradition, the CFL Board of Governors has announced the winner of the 2016 Grey Cup Championship prior to the commencement of the 2016 CFL season, handing the championship to the Saskatchewan Roughriders. Typically, the league keeps the Grey Cup winner a secret in order to maintain advertising revenues and league attendance, but CFL Commissioner and Oompa Loompa body double Jeffrey Orridge said the move was a “necessary corrective business measure.”
“I’m trying to get myself fired,” said Orridge while drinking from a half-empty whisky bottle, adding, “You people make me sick!”
The decision to award the Grey Cup to Saskatchewan was made after the Board of Governors looked over the ‘Riders’ 2016 roster. A healthy Darian Durant is expected to bomb opposing defenses into the Stone Age. Curtis Steele, under-used in Toronto, will lead the league in rushing behind an offensive line that has been brought up to 2013 standards. The defensive front seven will maul opposing offenses like what that fucking bear did to Leonardo DeCaprio in The Revenant.
“They say offenses win games but defenses win championship,” said Saskatchewan General Manager and Head Coach Chris Jones,” but I say guns don’t kill people, this defense kills people.”
The CFL Board of Governors assured members of the befuddled press corps that the Grey Cup announcement did not mean there would no excitement this season. For instance, the league has yet to decide which of the CFL’s marquee quarterbacks will suffer season-ending injuries.
“Maybe all of them; who knows?” said one league source. “But seriously, it’s always hilarious to watch Rider Nation lose their shit when Durant goes down, especially when the rest of the team is stacked, but that’s getting pretty old so we’re gonna let him play most of the season. Of course, we’ll still have him miss a few games around Labour Day due to some once-in-a-century freak accident. My vote is for him to get struck by lightning during a clear day in July, or maybe just a classic slip on a banana peel during warm-ups. But we’ll probably just go with the old-school fractured thumb on his throwing hand off a lineman’s helmet. Simple. Effective. Guaranteed to make Riderville go mental.”
The league is also planning a full nine-team place-kicker carousel, with all of the current starting field goal kickers to be cut or traded from their teams by mid-season and end up as starters on other teams by the playoffs.
“We like to mess with kicker’s heads,” said CFL vice-president Glen Johnson. “Those guys are already barely hanging on to reality, so we figure this will send them over the deep end. We also thought we’d try another referee strike, just to see if anyone notices we’re using replacements.”
When Johnson was reminded that the referees were definitely missed the last time there was a strike, after minor-league hockey referees began calling touchdowns back due to “icing”, he responded: “Who let you in here?”
CFL fans will also be in for some other surprises. Toronto Argonaut quarterback Ricky Ray has been instructed to pretend he enjoys playing football and he will be contractually required to crack a smile once every two games. Montreal Allouette slotback Nik Lewis has been ordered to pack on another 50 pounds so that his pants fall off every time he touches the ball. TSN has agreed to have a slide-whistle go off on each occasion.
The league is also planning a “Back to the Future” celebration in August. Ottawa RedBlacks head coach Rick Campbell is scheduled to be fired midway through the season after a disastrous 0-9 start, to be replaced by Hugh Campbell. Hall of Fame coach Don Matthews will take over for BC Head Coach Wally Buono who will be fired by BC General Manager Wall Buono, who will then add three more titles to his job description and award himself a massive pay raise. Montreal’s Jim Popp will fire and hire himself twenty times during the season, including twice during one game.
Kevin Glenn will lead the league in all major quarterback statistical categories including “interceptions at exactly the worst moment in the game”, and will be replaced by quarterback tandem Anthony Calvillo and Damon Allen. Calvillo is slated to lead the league in touchdowns by season’s end and Allen will still look like he’s in better shape that 90 percent of the rest of the league.
“Montreal and Saskatchewan are the only teams I haven’t played for,” said an excited Allen, “and I’ll be playing for the Riders next year when they’re in their new stadium. I was never gonna play in that shithole Taylor Field even though they offered me a dump truck full of money to play for them back in the nineties. Visiting twice a year is more than enough for any sane human. Just ask Flutie.”
After a disappointing 1-7 start, a despondent Edmonton Eskimo defensive end Odell Willis will anoint himself “Mayor of Loserville” and spend the rest of the season moping around West Edmonton Mall reminding fans that “at least we ain’t the Oilers.”
Winnipeg Child and Family Services will apprehend Weston Dressler and Ryan Smith and place them into foster care after mistaking them for abandoned children hanging around the Blue Bomber practice facility. Officials will refuse to release them until their parents personally attend with birth certificates to pick them up.
Although an official decision has not yet been made, either the Ottawa RedBlacks or the Montreal Allouettes will fold in week 15 of the season.
“We haven’t decided yet,” said league governor Karl Lagerfeld. “Both team fan bases have a strong and storied tradition of losing interest when their teams suck, and both those teams are gonna suck bad this year. And we really want to move a team to Dartmouth, so either Montreal or Ottawa’s gotta go.”
Adding to the excitement and randomness of the 2016 season, league officials in the CFL command centre will only be allowed to watch old Three’s Company reruns during games so that coach’s challenges and video replays produce totally inexplicable and bizarre blown calls, including “Mr. Furley is a total douche.”
Some things, however, will never change. Winnipeg is still slated to miss the playoffs with Drew Willy being carted off the field in an ambulance at least three times during the season. Hamilton will make the Grey Cup and then completely tank the championship game. The Calgary Stampeders will win the “Most Boring Team in the League” Award for the fifth year in a row, with the Ottawa RedBlacks coming in second, again.
Finally, in a move that surprised no one, Roughrider Head Coach Chris Jones was ordered to stop cutting his own hair.